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Home > So ... Joining Finances? A Budgeter and a Non-Budgeter?

So ... Joining Finances? A Budgeter and a Non-Budgeter?

February 25th, 2016 at 01:36 am

Tomorrow our pre-marital counseling session will be on finances. Smile Mr FT and I have spent a lot of time talking about finances.

I'm not sure we have yet reached a real consensus yet on what we're going to do.

For me, a budget/plan for ALL my money helps me to feel secure. For him, he pays his bills, then whatever is left is for whatever else comes up.

He's willing to concede that my way *could* work, but is something he'll have to wrap his mind around.

I'm trying to figure out what might be a happy medium - a meeting point, so to speak, where we both give a little, but come out better for it.

So ... I was hoping you all might share what works (ed) for you? Also, what kind of financial savvy (or lack of) did you and your partner (s) come into marriage / sharing finances with?

Mostly I'm still trying to wrap my brain around a possible mortgage payment of $850. When I was hoping for $700 to be the ultimate max. (The $850 is for the $130k house. There is an $89k house in the running as well.)

17 Responses to “So ... Joining Finances? A Budgeter and a Non-Budgeter?”

  1. NJDebbie Says:
    1456364521

    We pull our money together based on our religious belief that when we have become one (today is our 26th wedding anniversary). Having said that, we both agreed that we would have a certain amount of money in which we will not have to answer to as we spend it. I'm glad that you are getting premarital counseling. Finances and how they are handled is the number one cause of divorce in the United States. Proceed with caution and I hope and pray you can come up with the right decision and start your marriage on the right track.

  2. creditcardfree Says:
    1456365522

    YNAB has been a really good tool for us...finally after nearly 20 years of marriage. We have always combined finances. He knew coming in to the marriage I was one that would want control of the money. We've definitely had arguments about things...too much cash out, lots of trips to the convenience store. The main thing is to be on the same page, even if you don't agree that is how X should be spent.

    My husband came into our marriage with debt from a failed business. I took control and we had it paid off in under a year. He always gives me credit for that. And it has helped him to trust me, along with my finance degree and experience working at a mutual fund company. Hard to argue with someone who is educated! Smile

  3. Jenn Says:
    1456365764

    We're not good role models. We married young and learned our financial lessons the hard way - by doing stupid things and suffering the consequences. Then after we woke up, we tried to work together and then to split up certain bills. The bottom line though is that while that my DH and I have the same values, and he certainly appreciates having our finances structured, he's not disciplined enough to manage them. So I do it all. We've been together a long time and he trusts me to do the right thing.

    The time you spend getting this area of your lives sorted upfront is well worth it. You will prevent arguments, stress, and resentment. You might decide to settle on an approach and to schedule a date (6 months out?) to talk about how it's working for you. Then tweak and schedule another review.

  4. dividing the dime Says:
    1456366037

    I agree with everything NJDebbie says, that premarital counseling is good and for you to proceed with caution. It's tough to work out the financial goals when financial habits are different. I've been married twice to non-budgeters/spouses who were not interested in financial matters and it can wear me down, if I let it, but I keep striving for the positive. I pray you work it out in the best way that will work for you both, but proceed slowly...financial compatibility (or the lack of) affects how safe you feel and how you feel about one another. Good luck!

  5. NJDebbie Says:
    1456366161

    *that when we married, we (what I meant to say)

  6. mjrube94 Says:
    1456366523

    I also agree with NJDebbie. At our premarital counseling, we agreed on an amount that we c.ould spend without having to clear it with the other. It gives us each a good sense of freedom, without breaking the budget.

  7. FrugalTexan75 Says:
    1456367343

    Thank you everyone!

    Mjrube - How did you come up with the number?

  8. MonkeyMama Says:
    1456370652

    I think it's just one of those things that you will have to see how it works out and you might end up meeting somewhere in the middle. I don't know, seems it takes time to sort these things out and to find a groove that works for you.

    We are pretty boring because we are very similar. We are not big budgeters. We more set our goals first and make sure we have enough money for our goals. Doesn't really matter what we do with the rest. I'd say we have a plan, and we track our spending meticulously. But we don't have a budget in the traditional sense. Maybe you don't have to do it exactly they way you have been, but it sounds like you are more of a planner. I'd start with a plan of some sort, which is exactly what you are doing.

    I think communication is the most important part of it. Make sure he has input and it is his plan too. But make sure to speak up about whatever is not working for you.

    Oh, and we came up with $50/month allowance money (each) for the crap we didn't agree the other person buys. We just started that as a trial run (first month of marriage) and it was enough and we have never changed it. Over the years we negotiate and work through the larger purchases I am sure. But I think initially was just to put some space in the budget and to say we are 100% a team, but once in a while we just want to spend money stupidly without any input from the other. & I think that's really important in the beginning. I don't know that it really means much at this point in our marriage. But it's just what we have always done. After 15 years I think we are just more comfortable with that we have our own quirks and we are used to it. But it's weird and different when first trying to figure it all out, and we wanted to make sure we were being fair to each other too.

  9. VS_ozgirl Says:
    1456401130

    There will probably have to be a compromise in a few places for both of you guys, but as you are better financially he will have to respect that. You'll find your way. When we first moved in together and all our finances became joint (pretty much instantly) my husband used to ask me if it was ok to spend on every single purchase! It got to the point where we just decided any purchase above $50 we need to get the other's ok. You'll both get there.

  10. Stephanie Says:
    1456401175

    My husband and I married in our late 30's. We had different levels of personal savings. We kept those separate. Going forward we combined most of our income, depositing in a joint account. We each kept a nominal dollar amount (for us it is $150 per paycheck) in our individual accounts to do what we want with no questions asked. We thought of doing it on a pro rats basis but one of us made significantly more and since we were uniting as one ( religious belief), it didn't seem appropriate. While we built our joint savings, as big expenses came up, we dipped into our personal savings, on a pro rats basis. We worked together on a budget. We each get some family money every month to cover small dollar expenses on a casual basis.

    Finances are hard and is one of the main stressors in a relationship. Open communication is the key and it sounds like the two of you have no problem discussing matters.

  11. creditcardfree Says:
    1456403091

    My husband told me last night he didn't think his spending changed much during our no spend month. I was surprised! We'll need to review our actual purchases at month end and see what he thinks. Smile

  12. FrugalTexan75 Says:
    1456404711

    Thanks again everyone. Smile
    One of the things with Mr FT and I ... I feel strongly about paying tithe/offering, and he doesn't agree with it. He also sells electronics on eBay/Craigslist from time to time and also buys stuff to resell. He also plans on starting some other side gigs once we have the house. These are some of the areas we're having the most trouble coming to agreement on. Should tithe/offering come from the general budget, or my own "spending" money? Should the money he makes from the side gigs go into the general budget (and then the expenses be paid from it as well) or should that be considered a separate budget? I also make some money from side gigs, but don't have many, if any, expenses related to it.

    How to handle stuff like this??

  13. ceejay74 Says:
    1456411694

    Maybe you could say I get to tithe out of our shared budget and you get to keep x% or $x of your side gigs. And out of fairness id say only give 10% of your income, not combined income. But that's just one idea. You'll figure it out! The fact you're talking so much already is a positive sign.

  14. Ima saver Says:
    1456420232

    I have always handled the finances since we married 39 years ago. I use the envelope method and have for 50 years. Money is put away in each envelope to pay specific bills, say, elec, water, garbage, car payment, house paymt. etc. Then there are envleopes for the big expenses that happen only a few times a year, (or maybe once) Those are property tax, car insurances and tags, medical, christmas, etc.
    Each one of us gets a weekly allowance. (It has gone up from $20 a week to $100 a week) We are expencted to buy our own gas, snacks and misc. WE set aside a certain amount for savings every week. If I have some allowance left over, I put it into savings. My dh puts his into a special savings can that I made for him. That goes towards his car payment. (over and above the regular amount)
    I have savings cans (decorated) and a piggy bank to make savings more fun!

  15. snafu Says:
    1456421428

    Premarital counselling is a huge bonus and I'm delighted there is a financial component. Whatever plan you start with can be flexible for the changes and challenges that arise. Since tithe expresses only your value system, I see it as outlined by CJ. I've always been a saver/planner, DH is our award winning spender whose his eyes glaze over when I try to give the end of quarter financial overview. I find it helpful to pin a poster sized chart on the back of the BdRm door to showing spending categories from time to time. Visuals help.

    We've found it very helpful to continue a 'Buy List,' items need to get on the list so there is very little 'impulse' spending. We give ourselves a $ 100. per month allowance for unspecified, personal spending like misc treats, hair cuts, coffee with friends/colleagues, donations at work etc.

  16. livingalmostlarge Says:
    1456423477

    Good job on the premarital counseling. Prevents fights later. Fight now and see how you fight. It also matters how you deal with problems together.

    Personally we don't budget either. Save, pay bills, then spend the rest. All on a credit card and we have a rough idea. We just buy what we want and that's it.

    Couple of things though we are on the same page for how much to "save" for retirement, long term/short term savings, we are on the same page for big bills like mortgage, cable, cell phones, cars, insurance. So the rest of the spending falls into line because our basic values are in sync. I trust my DH to spend and he trust me.

  17. FrugalTexan75 Says:
    1456493489

    Thank you everyone!

    The PMC session went really well last night. The pastor was pretty impressed with how in tune we were regarding finances and how much we'd already discussed. We had further discussions later. We've agreed to try it one way for 6 months and then revisit and evaluate.

    One of the things we did was take a survey about money values. We both scored very high on security (money as security) which actually kind of surprised me a little. We were quite similar in all 4 categories (which I can't remember right now of course ...)

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