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Home > Differences of Opinion on Gift Giving?

Differences of Opinion on Gift Giving?

September 1st, 2015 at 03:12 am

So ... NE and I were talking last night. Somehow we got onto the subject of gifts. It came out that he had been curbing his gift giving to my style. (small, always less than $50, usually more like around $10 ... but trying to be thoughtful.) He told me that he was used to previous girlfriends giving him $300+ gifts, and he reciprocated.

I just can't fathom giving those kind of gifts.

My parents (mom mostly) showered us with gifts as we (brother and I) were growing up. Although I always told her I appreciated her thinking of me, I also told her that she didn't need to do that much. To this day I still tell her that she doesn't need to get me anything, but will give her ideas since I know it's not a battle I'm going to win.

I guess in my mind/viewpoint that I have so many money related goals, and not that much money to stretch to reach them, that buying someone a $500 camera or $300 tv that they don't really need .... is just ludicrous. NE doesn't see it that way ... he sees that buying stuff like that is fun.

I think it is so much more fun to know that I'm getting closer to my goals of having a house, retiring, doing some travel ... and to come up with small, practical and thoughtful gifts.

Not to mention that I already feel like both he and I have WAY too much stuff as it is.

He told me that he doesn't think of himself as frugal, but as someone who makes better decisions with his money than most other people.

He also mentioned about me buying the iPhone and my planned (canceled) trip to Des Moines, etc. I asked him if he resented that I spent money on those kinds of things, but wouldn't spend that same kind of money on gifts. He said he didn't.

I guess the whole conversation made me start wondering if maybe I'm being selfish. Not just now, but throughout my life. I've never been one to spend a lot of money on gifts for other people, and I've never expected them to spend a lot on me. They just have! (like my Aunt offering to pay for my flight to CA for Thanksgiving ... I would NEVER expect nor ask for her to do that - was totally planning on paying for it myself - but she WANTS to do it for me. I definitely am not in a position where I could reciprocate, other than letting her know how much I appreciate it and maybe treating her and grandma to a mani/pedi while I'm out there.)

What do you all think? Is it fair for me to do homemade/inexpensive gifts for others when they give me things that are definitely not inexpensive? How can I figure out a way to help NE not feel like he's getting shortchanged, but also keep with my own values/goals?

NE just called - coming over unexpectedly. Gotta go. Smile

Posted in General, Financial | 8 Comments »

8 Responses to “Differences of Opinion on Gift Giving?”

  1. Ima saver Says:
    September 1st, 2015 at 03:51 pm 1441119091
    1441119091

    Well, I agree with you. I think giving expensive gifts is very wasteful. I always give my grandchildren money for birthdays and christmas, so they can get what they want, or maybe just save it towards a goal. That is what is did when I was younger. I encourage them to save. My great granddaughter has a savings account and I always give her mother a check for her savings account. (plus a small toy since she is only 2) This year, it will be a piggy bank, filled with change, plus a check for her account.

  2. FrugalTexan75 Says:
    September 1st, 2015 at 07:52 pm 1441133523
    1441133523

    Ima - I think it also depends on the income level of the person. If they can fill their IRA fully, at least match their employer's 401k contribution, have a 6+ month EF and have no debt ... and giving big gifts truly gives them pleasure .. well, that's one thing. It's when people are in debt, or can't fill their IRA every year, etc. where I think giving big gifts is wasteful. I'm not in debt, I have a 6+ EF, but I can't fill my IRA fully. 3 or 4 more raises from now, I might be almost at that point (if circumstances don't change.) Although I think for me once I reach that point, I'd rather add percentages to my 401k or accelerate my savings goals. I like doing small things like treating for a meal, or treating for a mani/pedi, or if I'm out shopping with someone and see something they're expressing an interest in - pick it up for them. That way I KNOW I'm getting them something useful/hopefully appreciated.

  3. CB in the City Says:
    September 1st, 2015 at 11:21 pm 1441146093
    1441146093

    Large gifts make me uncomfortable. I can't reciprocate, and when I try, I miss the mark. I would love to have more modest giving in my family, but my kids are stuck in the patterns of their various in-laws, trying to please and keep the peace.

  4. Petunia in a Flower Garden Says:
    September 1st, 2015 at 11:39 pm 1441147174
    1441147174

    "He told me that he doesn't think of himself as frugal, but as someone who makes better decisions with his money than most other people."

    This might be worth exploring with him. What does he see as some of the decisions that set him apart from others? What does he think are some of his best decisions? The answers will be helpful for you, I think.

    I'm guessing that most on the Saving Advice blogs are not extravagant gift givers unless they have a lot of disposable cash. I don't think I've ever spent more than about $100 on a gift, and that is very seldom. (Maybe for a wedding, but not for the typical birthday or Christmas.)

  5. MonkeyMama Says:
    September 2nd, 2015 at 12:23 am 1441149802
    1441149802

    I am sure in the case of your aunt she just wants to help and doesn't expect anything in return.

    As to NE, I don't know. Just keep discussing it with him. For me personally, my friends and family aren't into material gifts. Even when I meet people very different, they always seem relieved to be off the hook for gifts or to see things a different way. I can't personally ever see being a big gift spender. It's not about having money or not, for me. But there has just never been an emphasis on gifts in my on life, so is probably nothing that I will feel is very important. Along with a very strong sense that it's not "things" that matter.

  6. FrugalTexan75 Says:
    September 2nd, 2015 at 03:27 am 1441160870
    1441160870

    CB - Exactly. I wouldn't know *how* to reciprocate with large gifts even if I wanted to try. Like for NE ... things he'd want would be stereo/speaker stuff. If I tried to find something he would actually appreciate and enjoy ... more than likely I'd end up getting something wrong. He is SO particular about his speakers. It'd be better to just say - here's $200 - go find the speakers you want with this. What fun would that be?

    Petunia - You're right, I do need to explore that with him.

    MM - Oh you are right about my Aunt. She is one of the most kindhearted selfless people I know. Which just kills me to know what my two cousins did to her ... (will be writing about this.) Ray got to meet her and my uncle.

    You nailed it for me. I would be more than happy with thoughtful actions/gestures/experiences - much more so than a $500 camera. People are so much more important than money or things.

  7. starfishy Says:
    September 2nd, 2015 at 04:19 am 1441163974
    1441163974

    i'm in the same camp as you, and also often wonder if i'm selfish and/or cheap! i don't really understand the whole gift culture, esp around the holidays. gifts for kids, sure - they don't have their own money and it's fun to get gifts when you are young! but exchanging holiday gifts between adults? what's the point? i'd rather spend time with the person than in the mall trying to find something they might like. i esp don't understand it (like you) when people are in debt! i have a friend who always wants to exchange xmas presents. inevitably she gets me something that i don't want. she used to throw these big parties for her birthday and would get everyone a small gift in addition to providing food, etc. fast forward to now, she's 63 and just lost her job, has a big mortgage and didn't save for retirement. her retirement plan is her inheritance, but her mom is still alive. honestly, i would have rather had all of her "gift" money go into savings rather into useless gifts for me and others. i like to see my friends be financially secure - that's a true gift! rambling here, but i struggle with the "gift" thing. i think to some people "gifts" signify love - i'd rather have someone's time.

  8. FrugalTexan75 Says:
    September 2nd, 2015 at 04:47 am 1441165668
    1441165668

    Me too Starfishy. I'd much rather have someone's time - either in person or on the phone - than a gift.

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