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Am I wrong?

August 24th, 2014 at 07:13 pm

I haven't written much about NEs and I's relationship since I got to NE. To put it mildly, we've struggled. Today was move in day to my new apartment.

NE was talking about making a 7 hour round trip to buy speakers for his eBay business today. Fine, whatever. Turns out one of the items he wanted was gone. So no trip.

I ask him if he'd be willing to help me hang pictures. His response, why do you need help?

I ask him this morning to carry out a couple boxes to the car. Why do you need help?

He's at the apartment sleeping.

He worked last night til 4 am. So I understand him sleeping. But if he was going to make the trip, he'd have gone without sleep. Afterall, he doesn't work til Thursday again. But to help me out... Why do you need help?

Maybe I'm judging him against my dad. I wouldn't even have to ask.
Just like I offer to help carry boxes out for NE when he's shipping stuff - without having to be asked or making a big deal.

Am I wrong to feel ticked that he's expecting me to do all this by myself? If we were broken up that'd be one thing, but supposedly we are in a relationship. Isn't part of that helping each other??

I should add that I hired two men and a truck to move my stuff from storage to here. It was me and them. 2 hours charged. $287. Ugh.

Part of my upset probably has to do with my realizing just how inadequate this apt is for storage. I'm going to have to buy something for pantry space and for my baking and cookware. There simply isn't enough cupboard space.

I'm sorely missing my little house in NM right now.

20 Responses to “Am I wrong?”

  1. laura Says:

    (((hugs))) to you right now.

    You aren't wrong. Everyone speaks different love languages, right? This might go beyond that. My best friend moved to Seattle to be with a guy who sounds vaguely familiar (but her guy was just downright mean in some instances and I wouldn't presume this to be the case with NE). It is safe to assume that when you are in a relationship, your significant other will help you.

    Does he not want you to move? Is he taking this as some sort of rejection of the relationship? Again, I don't presume to know the intricacies of your romantic arrangement. How is your communication in general? Does he feel that you are leaving because he hasn't moved to more of a commitment - marriage or engagement?

    As far as the practical storage, do you have room for any sort of tall narrow bookcase in dead spaces? How is it going seeking companionship at your new church? I hope they've become more welcoming. If I were closer, I'd come and help.

    Well, I hope that you have an OK day and feel better once you are settled. Smile

  2. creditcardfree Says:

    No you are not wrong. If he is consistent in this response, then he may not realize that helping you is important. Some men, really do need to be told to help, or explain exactly what you want. They don't read minds. I know you talked through lots of things before you got back into the relationship, so make sure you keep talking now that you are in the same town. Consider counseling for you or both of you together.

  3. FrugalTexan75 Says:

    Thanks guys.

    Laura - My finding a job and finding an apartment of my own once I got out here is what we talked about and agreed on before I moved out. I had told him from the get go that I did not feel comfortable with living with someone with being married. So it isn't a surprise to him. I think though that he is figuring out the reality of it - he's going to have to be responsible for the dishes, and the cat litter and the laundry, etc. again. Much reduced time together (more so than it already is with me working five days a week) etc.

    He's not reacting this way out of meanness. He's just ....lazy really. If it isn't something that interests him, then he's very unlikely to do it or care to listen about it.

    I was so tired yesterday that I skipped church, but last week someone actually sat with me. She invited me to stay for potluck, but I was feeling really ill, so went home instead.

    CCF - I feel like I am constantly telling him things he does that bothers me. Just a few days ago we were in the middle of one of our silent tiffs, and I was about ready to say I was done. I got home from work and told him how frustrated I was and I needed to know he really wanted this. He never really said he did, but we talked things out. Part of what we talked about was how whenever I ask him to do something, he makes such a big deal about it.

    I feel like I did ask him for help. And both times he just made it sound like I was asking for too much ... why can't you do it yourself?

    I have been thinking about counseling. Maybe after November 1 when my health insurance kicks in. I don't know if he'd be willing though, but I can always go by myself.

    My mom offered to come out here and help me get my place settled. I told her thanks, but no ... I figured that between NE and I, we could get it done no problem. Apparently I should have asked NE first if he was actually willing to ... you know ... be a helpmate?

  4. FrugalTexan75 Says:

    I should add that he did end up carrying one box out to the car this morning ... begrudgingly.

  5. LuckyRobin Says:

    I have noticed this thread of laziness running through many of the posts on your relationship. Or of his not making an effort if he isn't interested or getting something out of it. It's not a good thing. If he is this bad now, what kind of husband is he going to be? What kind of father, if you plan to have children? You need someone who is going to pitch in and do his share, even if you have to ask him every time, not just expect you to do it all on your own. I definitely would not consider marriage and children unless you see some effort put forth on his side. Seems to me like you are the one who is giving up everything and putting forth all of the effort to sustain this relationship. Does he want a girlfriend/future wife, where you are equal partners, or a housekeeper/second mother who does everything for him? Sorry if this comes across as harsh. It is not meant to. But I don't like seeing you treated with so much indifference. Definitely go to counseling when you get the insurance and hope he will go, too.

  6. FrugalTexan75 Says:

    LR - This is a train of thought I've had too. You don't sound harsh at all.

  7. creditcardfree Says:

    He should definitely want to help you and be involved in things you are interested in. What does he want out of the relationship? Would it be a good idea to take a break? I'm sure with the move, you will not be with each other as often. I wonder how often he will come to visit you, or if you will need to make all the effort? Is he depressed...thus the lack of energy and enthusiasm. Your description of NE reminds me of a former neighbor's husband. Like pulling teeth to get him to do anything!! I've wished she would consider divorce because she gets nothing from him. I would be very careful in making any marriage plans.

    I really do wish you the best Laura. I know you were excited when the relationship was rekindled. If it doesn't feel right, it just may not be right. You either already know or will know soon whether to continue.

  8. FrugalTexan75 Says:

    CCF - I'm very interested to see whether he makes any effort to see me or not once I'm totally moved in. Very interested. I have the feeling I know exactly what is going to happen, and what decision I'm going to have to make. Good thing I like my job.

  9. snafu Says:

    I wonder about NE's background. You're comparing his level of participation and co operation with your dad who has obviously influenced your attitude about being co operative and helpful before being asked. My DH was the youngest of 5 boys and hit every note of the typical youngest, spoiled, coddled, self centered, manipulative, fun-loving, uncomplicated, outgoing, attention-seeker who to his core believes everything will work out for the best.

    We still do a lot of negotiation to get to the place that keeps us both happy. It always takes me a while to figure out his manipulation since it's done so smoothly.

  10. PNWMom Says:

    I don't think you are wrong either. If he is indeed, your boyfriend/significant other, I can't for the life of me understand why he wouldn't help you. I don't understand why he would expect you move all by yourself, especially when you are in a new town/state and probably don't know anybody else?

    I really wish you the best, hoping you find friends at work, church, or community.


  11. My English Castle Says:

    Relationships are so hard, and my heart goes out to you,Laura. It's always a big adjustment, especially when one of you is moving and disrupting her life. It sounds like NE has some communication issues. I think counseling is always worth it. And I think of my dad's words of wisdom, applicable to so many situations: "Drive your own car," he'd say, whenever I was upset about another driver, a friend's behavior, or something I was struggling with. Sometimes I just have to focus on what I need and can do for myself. If others can help or do help, so much the better. Take care of yourself and see if he turns it around. We're all cheering for you.

  12. FrugalTexan75 Says:

    Thanks everyone. I don't know if he got the idea that I was miffed or not, but for whatever reason he called me tonight while I was at work (extra hours - lots of fun Smile ) and asked what he could do to help. I asked him to load a box and help me carry things in from the car, and he did it with no complaints. I guess I'll see if it lasts ...

  13. MonkeyMama Says:

    I agree with PNWMom. ????? I don't know that you should have to communicate why you would want or need help moving.

    I am sorry to read this though. ((HUGS))

  14. Petunia in a Flower Garden Says:

    What LuckyRobin said, especially this: "Seems to me like you are the one who is giving up everything and putting forth all of the effort to sustain this relationship."

    This is how I live, most days, and I can't recommend it.

  15. CB in the City Says:

    So many others have made good comments. It sounds to me like your BF is a bit self-involved, but that's not irredeemable. He needs to understand that you DO expect help and interest if you are going to continue the relationship. He needs to know that it actually makes you feel bad, even rejected, when he does not offer help, and especially when he refuses to help. If he has not been in a relationship for some time previously, he may need to have things spelled out VERY CLEARLY. Calmly, though! Don't wait until you're mad!

  16. rob62521 Says:

    I don't think you are wrong...not sure if I would want a relationship with someone who doesn't want to help.

  17. FrugalTexan75 Says:

    Thanks guys. I appreciate your thoughts and words of wisdom. He does seem to have decided to help me out now ... we'll see how long it lasts.

  18. Looking Forward Says:

    Adding my two cents..
    I don't think you are wrong at all. In fact given you moved to his town for him I say he should do all the moving and set up while you eat bonbons and relax! Wink
    I agree with what everyone above has said and most espcially LuckyRobin.

    I'm glad to read he is helping you now.


  19. MNortham Says:

    I don't think you are over-reacting or wrong at all. I wonder if you and NE have talked about what are the priorities in your relationship with each other? It appears from your post that you think that NE may prioritize speakers over helping you move boxes. It makes it even worse when you have to pay over $250 when you are trying to save and be frugal. This is something that he definitely could have helped with and it would have made a lot of difference to you. Some people think that they are prioritizing something in their lives, but don't realize that their actions speak differently. Please talk about this with him. And take care of yourself.

  20. SecretarySaving Says:

    If it were me I'd dump him.

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