So .. I'm 37 now. I had way too much time to think yesterday since I'd done all my running around on Friday. (which turned out to be a very good thing because the weather was quite bad yesterday afternoon/evening.)

I was thinking about whether or not I'm really happy with my life as it is. And if not, what, if anything, can I do to change it? Most of the time I like my job and am happy to be doing something that helps others. But then I wonder if this is something I can realistically *do* long term financially wise. I make less than 50% of what I'd make just about anywhere else at a public or private school with my degree. And sometimes the attitudes I get from certain kids make me wonder if by everything they're given, and everything that's done for them .. if we're not creating entitled monsters instead of actually helping them/giving them a step up.

And then I was thinking about how I've put myself into this isolated nowhere land where I am a minority among minorities (SDA white woman amongst a group of Catholic white teachers.) It in a sense is the ultimate isolation. It is in a sense a way of me saying that I've totally given up on ever NOT being alone. Sure, it's *possible* I could meet someone while on vacation somewhere, or someone passing through, but realistically it's not very *probable.*

And then I was thinking about the 6 month class I'm taking and about half-way through with and how much I'm really hating it. How much I wish I could just quit and be done with it. But I've already spent $3750 of my AmCorp money, plus another $150 or so on textbooks. I've made a big deal about it with my family. How could I quit it? (No refunds are available at this point.) If I felt like I was actually learning something useful and new it might be different ... but so much of it is a rehash (99+%) of things I already know how to do, or trying to BS my way through "discussion" questions about things I don't care about. I wonder how much of this has to do with how I'm dealing with my dad's death. Everything seems harder this year.

And then there's the whole situation with my mom and my brother. It is killing me. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks. Anytime I mention anything about mom to my brother, he then doesn't talk to me for a week or more. I told my mom that the best thing to do with him was to NOT bother him - to give him space. What does her fiance do? Call him and start crying and begging him to forgive and let go/make peace/come to the wedding. Boy was that NOT a smart thing to do. I want to tell my brother to think about how he's behaving and compare it to how our youngest uncle behaved towards our dad ... but then I'm afraid he'd be mad at me and cut ME off too...

I realized something else yesterday .. I have lots of "FB and internet friends" acquaintances and people I knew in other places .. but not really any real life true friends anymore. 3 of the people I at one time considered to be my *best* friends in real life didn't even acknowledge my birthday. Of course one of them I haven't had even a phone conversation with in years, a second one I've had no contact with at all since June (and that was a single text message with the previous contact at Thanksgiving a year ago), and the third one we've had hit and miss FB conversations. Seriously, if I were to somehow by some miracle meet someone tomorrow and get married soon after ... I really don't know who I'd ask to be part of my wedding. At one time I knew *exactly* who I'd want. I think I'd probably just elope to avoid the whole drama of how my dad's side of the family feels about my mom. (not that it is something I really need to even think about ...)

I wish I knew how I could actually change things. I wish I wasn't scared to death that if I went anywhere else I'd be totally exposed as not knowing what the heck I'm doing as a librarian and not lasting long anywhere else. I don't know that going anywhere else would really help that much anyway .. because like is said .. wherever you go, there you are. (Part of this too I think is the panic I feel at being in debt once again with very little cash reserves, so if I were to lose my job again ... )

I've thought about seeing if I could get some therapy or something .. but then I've tried that before off and on with no results. I had one person tell me I was a bigot because I wasn't wanting to date people outside of my faith (after telling her that I *had* done that with abysmal results.) I had another one that devolved into a book discussion - of a book which I had big problems with because of how the author dismissed God ( and the therapist dismissed my concerns). Then I also think of all the therapy that my mom has had through the years, and well, I don't see that it's done her much good. (Plus I don't really want to spend the money on it - seems like it is better to put money towards the car loan!)

I know I need to figure out something. I've been starting to cry at the stupidest things and stupidest times. Like last week when I got the email about the assignment I didn't know about being due that day - I was bawling as I wrote the professor about it. The assignment itself was ridiculously easy. But it wasn't about the assignment. This was in the library, just minutes before my 3 year olds were coming.

I wish I knew how my life had ended up like this. I thought I was being accepted here, but now, lately, I'm wondering if it's more of a tolerance. If people feel about me the way I know they feel about one of the other people here. Barely tolerate her. There is this one teacher who I thought liked me, who'd made many positive comments to me ... but I'm not sure now if she was being serious or being exaggerating (not quite the term I'm trying to convey... but can't think of how to describe it) What made me think this? Right before the Halloween festival she made a comment out of the blue in front of a large group of staff regarding the fact that I wouldn't be at the festival due to my religious convictions, and that she'd like to take off early herself for a Saturday afternoon mass. (Why she posed the question to me/the group instead of just the principal??) Then there's the many comments while getting ready for the Christmas dinner last year and this year where she singled me out to say how hard I'm working ... when everyone else was working just as hard. Maybe the word I'm looking for is sarcastic?? Up til she made that remark about the Halloween Festival, I thought it was strange how she was making those comments, but didn't really think much of it. Now though, I wonder. (I checked with my co-worker AL to see if she heard the festival comment the same way I had, and she agreed with me that it was weird.)

I just wish I could figure out how to make things better. This is not anywhere near what I'd imagined my life would be like at 37. Single, childless, pretty much alone in the world. (Yes, I do have family. But I have to watch what I say now to both sides. Mom - because I don't want to say things to her that my brother should relay himself. Brother/dad's family - because they have strong feelings against Mom.)