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Home > What I Would Change?

What I Would Change?

January 30th, 2011 at 06:07 am

Overall I have really tried to be content with my life the way it is right now. It is when I think about the things that I wish were different - especially the things I have no control over - that I can get really depressed.

So ... that said ..

Home:

I have a wonderful family. I feel very blessed to have the mom I have, even when she drives me to utter frustration sometimes. My dad, who is actually my adoptive dad, is a major blessing to me. We had a hard time getting along while I was growing up - butted heads constantly - but he has ALWAYS been my #1 supporter. My brother - words can;t express just how awesome he is. Growing up we fought like cats and dogs - actually coming to blows more than onces - but now if I see I'm getting a phone call from him, there are very few places that I *won't* answer it! He's helped me survive some of the toughest times in my life, and I've done the same for him. We may not talk very often, but we text each other fairly frequently just to let each other know we're thinking about each other.

I also have my ex stepdad. He is really a pretty good guy. We get along well. Most guys would throw out their ex stepdaughter as soon as they realized that there was no chance of the marriage working. It's a little awkward with him now dating someone seriously, but we still get along quite well.

So, that above is the good stuff. What I am blessed with. What would I like different? I could write pages on this one subject. To sum it up -- A home of my own with a husband and children - either children of my flesh, or of my heart. A home where I can feel comfortable truly putting down roots because I'd know that I'd actually BE there long enough for them to stick and grow.

I'd like animals of my own. Cats and dogs and maybe some fish too.

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Work:

Well ... I currently bring in a little less than $1k a month on average with my tutoring. My mom tells me that I could and should charge more. My fees range between $20 and $25/hr. A large part of the reason I don't charge more is because I don't really feel confident about my tutoring ability. I feel guilty as all get out when asking parents/older students for the money they agreed to give me.

That lack of confidence I think is also playing into my job search for a librarian position -- or should I say the complete lack of real job searching as of yet. I may have aced all of my classes, but I poo poo myself and the knowledge I've gained by telling myself that the classes weren't all that hard - the professors probably gave everyone who even half-@ssed it an A. I have such little confidence in my ability to do a good job as a librarian, or to do well in interviews. Very afraid of falling on my face.

At 35 I still think I haven't completely come to terms with the fact that a career as a mom and homemaker is probably not going to happen. That I have to get over it and figure out a way to make myself into a "career" person.

I would also like to change my procrastination. This affects me adversely both in work and school. There's a million other things I'd rather be doing (reading a book, surfing the net, sleeping, playing with the dog) than preparing for tutoring sessions or getting my schoolwork done. I somehow seem to have managed to get by - though there have been a couple of really close scrapes.

I think my ideal job would be in a private Christian school focused on grades K - 3 as a librarian where I could do lots of storytime and teach the basics of research. Have as little politics and infighting as possible to deal with. Just have a happy and comfortable place for kids to learn to love the joys of reading and learning. A place where I don't have to provide books with themes I heartily disagree. Oh yeah, good benefits too.

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Personal:

I try to convince myself that I am happy and content as a single person. I know that being in a relationship does not mean instant happiness or contentedness. I know that being single can be better than being in a bad relationship. I know all that, but then at the end of the day when I have something I'm worried about, or excited about, or sad about ... I have no one to share it with.

Sure, I can make my own decisions, and my finances are my own - good or bad. But I also have no reason to go out of the house other than for tutoring or church or shopping. So ... I tend to do a lot of nothing and get tired and sad and ... eat or sleep.

Like with work, my lack of confidence has a profound affect on my personal life. I feel like there is no point in getting out there because who would want to give a fat lady like myself a real second look. And I tell myself that even if they *did* give me that second look, there must be some reason that they think I must be desperate for attention because obviously no one would want to be seen with me.

Then lets talk about me in a roomful of people - even people I know. Sure, I can smile and acknowledge others and maybe even engage in a little small talk. But I never ever seem to be part of any of the "groups" or the people that get invited other places. I end up eventually by myself in a corner of the room.

Today at church I was waiting for the lady who was going to help me count money. I was sitting at the back of the sanctuary -all by myself. One of my Primary students came over. We'd talked about Jesus and the Lost Sheep today in class. When I asked her what was up, she told me she'd seen me sitting by myself with no one to talk to. I hugged her and told her she was a sweet girl. Smile She truly is a precious child - 10 years old and has truly given her heart to Jesus. It is so evident in so many ways. I hope life doesn't beat that out of her.

My eating habits are something else I'd like to change. I'm not bulimic nor anorexic, but I think I have definite tendencies of the overeater. I can be very dishonest with myself about what I've actually eaten. Not in the so called "normal" food, but in the junky sweet type food. I'd like to be able to handle not eating junk food for awhile, and then having it as a real treat without it evolving back into bad habits. I've managed the going without for a long while, but then when I let myself start having the little treats, it ALWAYS manages to ratchet back up to the extreme.

Sometimes I think I'm okay with the way my body looks - weight, etc., but then I catch a glance at my back side in the mirror getting out of the shower, and am disgusted. But until I can get my eating habits somewhat consistently under control AND exercise consistently, that image isn't going to change much - except to get worse. And of course this image I see once in awhile makes me even more sure that there's no point in getting out there.

Something that kind of goes along with the procrastination is the laziness. I can be very, very lazy. My room is almost constantly a mess. When I worked at the oil and gas company and had a desk in full view of everyone, I worked very hard to make sure that all visible areas were neat and organized. Just so they didn't check the drawers ... My room is picked up once in awhile, but never really neat. I tell myself that I'm going to get this or that done ...but then let other things push it off and push it off, and it doesn't get done.

Something else that I would like to change is how alone I feel.I used to have friends that I would call or they'd call, at least once a month. I also had one friend in the area who I'd get together with once in a while. Now ... most of that has been relegated to short messages once in a blue moon on Facebook -- and that area friend, I haven;t heard from since .. September???

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Great. I've been put on notice. Ex stepdad just came home and basically told me that his new flame is NOT happy about me and Buddy and some of mom's stuff still being here. So, I basically have a move out date of May 15, or earlier. I'm not going to panic right now. That still gives me four months to find a job. It just means that if I DO find a job, that I'll have much more expensive housing costs between graduation and moving to wherever the job is. Which most likely ensures me having to borrow from the bank of dad till a paycheck starts coming. Something I'd like to avoid at ALL costs.

7 Responses to “What I Would Change?”

  1. patientsaver Says:
    1296392555

    I think you are perfect just the way you are.

    Why not give that friend a call? She may be wishing you would call, too!

    I know a number of women who had a healthy child in their early 40s.

  2. LittleGopher Says:
    1296396315

    I agree with all that patentsaver said above.

    I also think you are in a period where there are so many changes happening in a short period of time - finishing school, graduating, looking and interviewing for a job, moving, most likely with a change of locale... and probably more! You're scrambling right now, and it continues for a while longer.

    Through the years of your blog, you've written of the many changes you've made happen. They weren't easy, but you have the amazing ability to stay true and strong to yourself, and I bet your life is in a better place because of it. Sometimes it's hard to see in the chaos of the moment, but your life will get back to its inner equilibrium, and you can look back and be very proud of yourself! We are all rooting for you!!

  3. FrugalTexan75 Says:
    1296398935

    Patientsaver,

    Thank you. The thing with that friend is that of the last ten or more contacts - all but two of them were initiated by me. I was starting to think that maybe she was trying to give me the brush off, but didn't want to do it directly. I don't want to foist myself on people who don't want my friendship.

    Thank you Little Gopher. I do really appreciate the support here. Some of it will get better when I have my feet back on solid ground again. I just wish I knew when that'd actually happen.

  4. MonkeyMama Says:
    1296403481

    I have a story to share.

    I was watching this weight loss show the other day and this woman was BEAUTIFUL but the rest of her family was super skinny and her parents had told her she would never find a husband unless she lost weight. She really believed this. Anyway, I was watching this show and felt SO SAD for her. I couldn't see why she would have any problem getting a date. Like no man ever wanted a woman with a little extra weight. Rolleyes (BTW, she weighed 300 pounds).

    Anyway, my super critical younger son came in the room. He just judges people by their looks - it's just how he has always been since he was a baby. He's 5. But, he watched for a few minutes and said, "She's not fat!" & "Why wouldn't any body like her?" So we had a talk about that. I said, "Because she thinks no one would like her - it's all in her head - she is very beautiful, isn't she?"

    Anyway, you are a beautiful person, but no one else will see that until you see it.

    I have no doubt you are in a difficult place, but I admire that you are working towards something better and what you really want out of life.

  5. FrugalTexan75 Says:
    1296405515

    Thanks MonkeyMama.

    I think a lot of my problem is my self talk. I could say my mom is partly responsible for some of the "tapes" that go round and round. But I'm an adult and responsible for myself and for what I allow to play in my head.

    I think maybe I need to do something similar to what Thrifty Ray is doing - redirecting negative thoughts into positive ones. Because you're right, as long as I see myself as not being worth a second glance, nothing will change.

  6. Petunia 100 Says:
    1296412992

    Laura, you are a beautiful, intelligent woman. Love yourself, have confidence in yourself, and others will notice and do the same! Honest, that is how it works. Smile
    So, your body isn't perfect. Neither is anyone else's. Even supermodels don't have perfect bodies. Those magazine pics are airbrushed.

  7. FrugalTexan75 Says:
    1296415531

    Thanks Petunia.

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