I'll start with two positives.
1. My carpooler gave me $12 yesterday rather than the normal $10. So that makes my Kenny G fund up to $37.
2. Work has actually kept me fairly busy lately.
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I have a good life. I have family who love and support me. I have friends. I have a job, roof over my head, food to eat, etc. It should be enough, right?
But the thing is, I don't have anyone to really talk to. I mean *really* talk to. Talking to my parents - how much can you really say to them anyway? Talking to my friends - esp. when I hardly get to see them or talk to them - its hard to really *talk* or keep up a real relationship. It especially doesn't help when nothing seems to change.
Most of the time I can fight these feelings off by reminding myself how much better I have it than 90% or more of the world. But sometimes I can't. More often than not lately, I can't.
I wonder what is the point? It's not like doing a fantastic job at my work is going to get me a raise anytime in the next 10 years - the most it will do is help me keep my job.
It's not like all my consistent exercise of the past couple years has done much for me at all. A person meeting me for the first time is most likely NOT going to think that I look like someone who ever has seen the inside of a gym, let alone spends 5 days a week at one!
It's not like putting myself out there on singles websites or joining singles dating services (in the past) have gotten me anywhere.
Recently, I've been hearing from a good number of friends I've had through the years via facebook. The one thing that has very consistently run through all of our catching up is the fact that 99% of them are married, and or have children.
Tonight, I for some odd reason decided to check in at this one singles site I used to have a profile on, and saw that a recent success story was of this strange looking guy who'd been a member of the site since before I'd joined it - over 9 years ago!
Here I am, supposedly in what should be the prime time of my life - idling. Having achieved only the goal of being a teacher (for a short while), but none of my other dearly cherished dreams.
I really don't see how this is going to change. I keep grasping at straws, keep searching diligently for glimmers -- anything to give me some small shred of hope. Meanwhile, I have this strong feeling that all my efforts are futile.
I'd like to have someone who I could just say - Hey, you want to come over and watch this movie I borrowed from the library? Or, hey - you want to go check out the new special exhibit they have at the museum on Tuesday (free night)? Or how about - hey, you want to have a card game/board game whatever game night? Or, just even someone who would actually be *interested* in hearing my oddball thoughts about things, or hearing about what happened at work. Or someone who'd be interested in going for a bike ride, or a run in the park, or just even laying out on a blanket in a park enjoying nature? It would be really great to have someone who doesn't think I'm odd because of what I *do* and *don't* eat or drink.
Ok, to be REALLY honest -- I miss touch. I grew up in a household of touch-oriented people. In the grown-up adult world of work and even friends - people just don't touch each other. It's understandable, with the litigious society we are, but it's also really sad.
Like I said, I *do* have friends. But, with the exception of N and T, they are only within the reach of a phone call -- and we've really not kept in touch very well. T is married and has two young kids plus lives about a 30 minute drive from me. N is almost divorced w/two kids - the only topic w/her is her soon to be ex - she's really not someone I'd have chosen to be friends with (we met at a lifestyles program that an exbf had encouraged me to go to) - she's actually the ex-sil to the ex-bf of mine's ex wife. (Say all that in one breath!)
I think I need to accept that two of my dearest dreams - dreams that defined who I thought I would be - are never going to be. I need to figure out new dreams. I need to figure out just how a person can be single, happy and feel like a contributing member to society.
The weird thing is that right now I'm actually feeling okay about work. It's usually when I've had a long spell of hardly anything to keep myself occupied with at work that I get these feelings of how pointless and aimless my life is.
This last week or so, almost every night I have completely blown my healthy eating plan out the window. I've gained back at least 7 of the 12 lbs I'd lost. I stopped at a store this afternoon, in the pouring rain, just to get a soda and some ice cream.
Something's got to change. I just wish I knew how or what.
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If you actually managed to make it all the way to the end of this . . . Thanks, I appreciate your "listening."
ugh - long ranty - not really financial
July 16th, 2008 at 05:00 am
July 16th, 2008 at 05:19 am 1216181978
1. half the facebook people who are married will be divorced soon. I am 28 and 3 peoplwe from my high school class are divorced, that I know of.
2. The next date you go on could be your next long term or forever boyfriend and you will never get this 'you' time back again.
3. maybe you do need to change your dreams. you mature. If I still carried my dream of marrying one of the Cory's from the Goonies movie- well, that would be somewhat sad. You get older and realize there are problems with dreams you had years ago.
I know your frusterated. This will pass. I promise. I get this way a few times a year to. You are one realizing the cheerleader got wicked fat away from being back on top of the world.
July 16th, 2008 at 05:50 am 1216183822
July 16th, 2008 at 05:55 am 1216184141
I know this may sound crazy, but maybe you need to take up a hobby. Since the workplace is'nt bringing forth any friends. What about church? I enjoy scrapbooking and meet people that way, you could try a cooking class or karate!
As for "Mr. Someone Special", you just have'nt met him yet. I am big on prayer. Make this your focus prayer, to meet someone special.
And of course, remember, WE are your friends! I will have to try to catch up with you on Facebook sometime!
July 16th, 2008 at 06:17 am 1216185445
You have just written everything I wish I could have written these past few months. Everything. Thanks for putting into words something I could not and things I have been struggling with for a while. I know things will change, it is just the moving through it process that is hard.
Put it out to the universe what you are looking for. I think it might surprise you when you write exactly what you want.
With highest regards,
K
July 16th, 2008 at 12:35 pm 1216208133
I have to get ready for work right now, but will respond to everyone as soon as I have a chance.
July 16th, 2008 at 01:18 pm 1216210699
You could also volunteer, if you enjoy that. Find a cause you like.
As morton salt would say, "when it rains, it pours."
Would you be happier in CA?
July 16th, 2008 at 01:35 pm 1216211725
Having been divorced, perhaps I am fortunate in that I don't feel as bad about it because I know how much worse things can get. So, instead, I see it in as "taking a break" from life.
Still, it is very difficult sometimes.
July 16th, 2008 at 02:04 pm 1216213440
July 16th, 2008 at 02:08 pm 1216213688
July 16th, 2008 at 02:54 pm 1216216463
So I have to ask, how much do you really get out there and meet new people? If not, of course you are going to be lonely. (& I say that as someone who has sort of been there. I am rather introverted and struggle with this in my own life - the friendship side. Though I am married. So I know much easier said than done. BUT it is true).
Likewise, I agree with your statement: "I think I need to accept that two of my dearest dreams - dreams that defined who I thought I would be - are never going to be." I think you have to realize that being married does not define you. If you think it does, well you aren't ready to be married.
I noticed with my own friends, most of them wanted to be married and have kids and they were always searching a little too hard, (instead of just slowing down and going with the flow a little more). Of course I met my spouse at 18. BUT I had no interest in settling down, marrying or having kids. I didn't even want a serious relationship at the time. & then it all landed on my lap when I wasn't looking. I do really notice people who dream about a certain thing from childhood - like marriage/kids - seemed to have problems finding it. Just way too idealistic on that topic. So, sure, get out there more. But I think lower your expectations a bit. I think it's good to be happy to know you may be single forever. Once you get comfortable with that I think you will become more attractive, in a sense. Though I am sure it is a hard road to get there.
Good Luck.
& yeah, I agree with the ice cream thing too.
& oh yeah, my sister is 25 and has been married twice. Ugh! Nothing to be jealous of there.
July 16th, 2008 at 04:51 pm 1216223506
July 16th, 2008 at 07:17 pm 1216232268
Thank you for your understanding of what I was saying.
I realize that getting married, having kids, etc., isn’t a surefire way to be happy or
lonely no more. That even if you are married or in a relationship, things can still
be tough. Knowing that is a large part of why I’m still single. I came close to
getting married once, but realized that the relationship wasn’t going to work out
long term. I also realize that being married or having children doesn’t define who you are as a person. For me though, being a mom, doing all the mom things, doing homeschool, etc., is the ultimate dream. I never wanted a “career”, being a teacher was never meant to be a long-term thing.
So now, I’m no longer teaching, and obviously not a mom. I’ve spent most of the last three years trying to figure out what to replace those ideas with, with little luck.
Getting a different job? I don’t know . . . I guess I just felt so lucky even finding the job I have now, after being essentially out of work for nearly 9 months.
Going out to CA? That is still a possibility. But like a few of you mentioned, I think until I’ve worked on myself, gotten myself to a better place, moving to CA probably wouldn’ t really change things that much.
Hobbies? Getting out there? Volunteering? I hate to say this, but I feel as though I have tried that. I’ve attended some of the meetups in my area – the Vegetarian group in particular. It was ok, but it was $13 for lunch out every time I went – I eventually stopped going mainly because I felt in order to get to know anyone I’d really need to attend more often $$$. – I go to a church, not as often as I should though. But the thing is at that church, people remember me as a teacher. I have tried to stay after and talk with people; it just doesn’t seem to go anywhere. As far as volunteering – I applied at the library, even interviewed, never heard back from them. I helped out this past Christmas Eve at a soup kitchen event; let them know I wanted to do more. Never heard back from them.
This Saturday I am going to be doing my first 5k race. I think depending on how that goes, etc., maybe I could look into joining the local running club. If I remember right it’s only $20/yr for membership. Then, in August I should be starting my 2nd job, so will have a little bit more money coming in. I guess I could allocate some of the money towards eating out 2x a month with the Vege meetup group. I think I also need to make more of an effort to go to church more regularly. Maybe I could check at some local pet shelters to see if they need any volunteers.
I just wish I could find people in my area interested in doing things that don’t cost money. There are a couple frugal meetup groups in my area, but from what I’ve seen, they are not active.
July 17th, 2008 at 03:05 am 1216260333
July 17th, 2008 at 03:32 am 1216261964
No, not at all. I appreciated your comment, as well as the others. I just had only so much time to respond, so wasn't able to do it individually.