So .. I'm 37 now. I had way too much time to think yesterday since I'd done all my running around on Friday. (which turned out to be a very good thing because the weather was quite bad yesterday afternoon/evening.)
I was thinking about whether or not I'm really happy with my life as it is. And if not, what, if anything, can I do to change it? Most of the time I like my job and am happy to be doing something that helps others. But then I wonder if this is something I can realistically *do* long term financially wise. I make less than 50% of what I'd make just about anywhere else at a public or private school with my degree. And sometimes the attitudes I get from certain kids make me wonder if by everything they're given, and everything that's done for them .. if we're not creating entitled monsters instead of actually helping them/giving them a step up.
And then I was thinking about how I've put myself into this isolated nowhere land where I am a minority among minorities (SDA white woman amongst a group of Catholic white teachers.) It in a sense is the ultimate isolation. It is in a sense a way of me saying that I've totally given up on ever NOT being alone. Sure, it's *possible* I could meet someone while on vacation somewhere, or someone passing through, but realistically it's not very *probable.*
And then I was thinking about the 6 month class I'm taking and about half-way through with and how much I'm really hating it. How much I wish I could just quit and be done with it. But I've already spent $3750 of my AmCorp money, plus another $150 or so on textbooks. I've made a big deal about it with my family. How could I quit it? (No refunds are available at this point.) If I felt like I was actually learning something useful and new it might be different ... but so much of it is a rehash (99+%) of things I already know how to do, or trying to BS my way through "discussion" questions about things I don't care about. I wonder how much of this has to do with how I'm dealing with my dad's death. Everything seems harder this year.
And then there's the whole situation with my mom and my brother. It is killing me. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks. Anytime I mention anything about mom to my brother, he then doesn't talk to me for a week or more. I told my mom that the best thing to do with him was to NOT bother him - to give him space. What does her fiance do? Call him and start crying and begging him to forgive and let go/make peace/come to the wedding. Boy was that NOT a smart thing to do. I want to tell my brother to think about how he's behaving and compare it to how our youngest uncle behaved towards our dad ... but then I'm afraid he'd be mad at me and cut ME off too...
I realized something else yesterday .. I have lots of "FB and internet friends" acquaintances and people I knew in other places .. but not really any real life true friends anymore. 3 of the people I at one time considered to be my *best* friends in real life didn't even acknowledge my birthday. Of course one of them I haven't had even a phone conversation with in years, a second one I've had no contact with at all since June (and that was a single text message with the previous contact at Thanksgiving a year ago), and the third one we've had hit and miss FB conversations. Seriously, if I were to somehow by some miracle meet someone tomorrow and get married soon after ... I really don't know who I'd ask to be part of my wedding. At one time I knew *exactly* who I'd want. I think I'd probably just elope to avoid the whole drama of how my dad's side of the family feels about my mom. (not that it is something I really need to even think about ...)
I wish I knew how I could actually change things. I wish I wasn't scared to death that if I went anywhere else I'd be totally exposed as not knowing what the heck I'm doing as a librarian and not lasting long anywhere else. I don't know that going anywhere else would really help that much anyway .. because like is said .. wherever you go, there you are. (Part of this too I think is the panic I feel at being in debt once again with very little cash reserves, so if I were to lose my job again ... )
I've thought about seeing if I could get some therapy or something .. but then I've tried that before off and on with no results. I had one person tell me I was a bigot because I wasn't wanting to date people outside of my faith (after telling her that I *had* done that with abysmal results.) I had another one that devolved into a book discussion - of a book which I had big problems with because of how the author dismissed God ( and the therapist dismissed my concerns). Then I also think of all the therapy that my mom has had through the years, and well, I don't see that it's done her much good. (Plus I don't really want to spend the money on it - seems like it is better to put money towards the car loan!)
I know I need to figure out something. I've been starting to cry at the stupidest things and stupidest times. Like last week when I got the email about the assignment I didn't know about being due that day - I was bawling as I wrote the professor about it. The assignment itself was ridiculously easy. But it wasn't about the assignment. This was in the library, just minutes before my 3 year olds were coming.
I wish I knew how my life had ended up like this. I thought I was being accepted here, but now, lately, I'm wondering if it's more of a tolerance. If people feel about me the way I know they feel about one of the other people here. Barely tolerate her. There is this one teacher who I thought liked me, who'd made many positive comments to me ... but I'm not sure now if she was being serious or being exaggerating (not quite the term I'm trying to convey... but can't think of how to describe it) What made me think this? Right before the Halloween festival she made a comment out of the blue in front of a large group of staff regarding the fact that I wouldn't be at the festival due to my religious convictions, and that she'd like to take off early herself for a Saturday afternoon mass. (Why she posed the question to me/the group instead of just the principal??) Then there's the many comments while getting ready for the Christmas dinner last year and this year where she singled me out to say how hard I'm working ... when everyone else was working just as hard. Maybe the word I'm looking for is sarcastic?? Up til she made that remark about the Halloween Festival, I thought it was strange how she was making those comments, but didn't really think much of it. Now though, I wonder. (I checked with my co-worker AL to see if she heard the festival comment the same way I had, and she agreed with me that it was weird.)
I just wish I could figure out how to make things better. This is not anywhere near what I'd imagined my life would be like at 37. Single, childless, pretty much alone in the world. (Yes, I do have family. But I have to watch what I say now to both sides. Mom - because I don't want to say things to her that my brother should relay himself. Brother/dad's family - because they have strong feelings against Mom.)
37 and Maudlin (long/introspective - may want to skip)
December 16th, 2012 at 05:10 pm
December 16th, 2012 at 05:46 pm 1355680005
Sorry you're going through this right now, Laura. You've suffered the loss of your dad and are somewhat isolated.
If you would like to meet a nice SDA man and settle down, you probably will need to move to an area with a good-sized SDA church. That would also give you the opportunity to start building new IRL friendships. Maybe it's time to identify those places and start combing job listings for them?
How far do you drive now for church? How many in the congregation?
You've already proven yourself as a librarian. Yes, you're in a small school, but that doesn't mean the administration doesn't know what a librarian should be. And they are tickled to have you, because you are awesome.
December 16th, 2012 at 06:02 pm 1355680959
I think at least a bit of what you're feeling is about your dad and also the animosity within your family. My dad was the ultimate cheerleader in my life, and he's been gone nearly 18 years, and I still miss him. I rely a lot on his absolute belief in me - it's not the same as having him here by any means, but it goes a long way in carrying me through. I wonder if this may be the same for you and your dad...
And then there's the getting older part (I always say I'm growing up, which I find myself doing even at 50!) It's not unusual to periodically feel at odds within your life... it seems to me that the unsettled parts can lead, with patience, to great periods of growth and richness in my life. As the saying goes "Life, what a ride!"
(But please, please if you find that your mood doesn't lift and you find it hard to get through your day, a counselor may help you process all that life has sent your way lately...please take care and another big (((hug))) for good measure!)
December 16th, 2012 at 07:45 pm 1355687113
I've thought about that. The DFW area has quite a few SDA churches of small to middle size .. and I had no luck there in 6+ years of being in that area. The one SDA man I met and dated for awhile was off a singles website. (and no, I'm not going there again .. the same people on it year after year after year ...)
Then there is Loma Linda ... but high cost of living and few available jobs .. I guess though I could just start looking again in those places with high SDA populations (mostly the college towns.)
I live 35+ miles from the nearest SDA church, and it has approximately a membership of 40 with maybe 25 or so regular attendees.
Thanks for the vote of confidence on my abilities as a librarian. I wish I felt like I merited them. I don't know if they kept me on here a second year because they think I am doing a good job, or because it's a pain to find people who are willing to come here.
Little Gopher,
Yep, my dad definitely was my cheerleader. We had our shares of ups and downs - especially when I was younger - but I always knew where I stood with him.
Yes, I think the animosity between my brother/dad's side of the family and my mom is a large part of what I'm having a hard time dealing with. Yes, my mom can be a pain and she made some pretty big mistakes. But so did our dad - he wasn't perfect either. I loved my dad very much, and was a big defender of him. But that doesn't mean that I've forgotten the not so good parts - which my brother seems to have blocked out. I'm far from perfect. My brother is far from perfect. Cutting a family member off like that ... I just can't stomach it. I just wonder if he's going to regret his decision to do this when she's gone. With her health problems, I doubt she'll be here for too many years more. (And yes, like my brother likes to point out, she brought many of these problems on herself. But still!)
December 16th, 2012 at 08:17 pm 1355689065
I had the same thoughts as Petunia. Either that or being closer to your brother might be helpful.
No easy answers, for sure. I think these are things we all struggle with on one level or another.
On the religion - you need to find a SDA community, or broaden your horizons. OR give up. Plain and simple. Off the top of my head, there are several happy marriages in both our families, and I don't think *anyone* found a mate with the same religion, though it was important enough that most their spouses converted for them. Just to say, you want someone who shares the same values and beliefs as you, probably, but you can probably find that person outside of your denomination. Are you open to someone who is willing to convert?
Honestly, people seem to be learning and growing and changing their religion all the time. I am thinking to how many of my aunts' spouses who converted to Catholicism before being married. My mom refused, and my dad ended up leaving the Church anyway. I married into a devout Catholic family, but they have mostly turned Atheist over the years. (If you told me this 15 years ago I *never* would have believed you. We were taking heat for not getting married in a church and for refusing to baptize our kids. Today no one even gives a flip. Some of the kids' cousins are not baptized). I don't know how one person labels themselves religiously in one point of time really means that much in the long run. But our underlying values and principals are what are important and is why we all co-exist with our many religious differences in my family. I don't know the nature of your bad experiences, but just another perspective, in case it is helpful at all.
& um, yeah, I wouldn't want to see a therapist after those experiences either. Maybe I should be encouraging you, but I 99% feel, yeah, you couldn't make me! Who wants to take the emotional energy to sift through all the useless and unhelpful and mean ones? *sigh*
December 16th, 2012 at 08:19 pm 1355689142
December 16th, 2012 at 08:20 pm 1355689244
December 16th, 2012 at 08:37 pm 1355690273
December 16th, 2012 at 08:44 pm 1355690669
Thanks Monkey Mama.
Yeah, I guess it really is the core values that I want in another person, but day of worship (for me) is one of those core values. I'm not exactly a traditional/conservative SDA by any means, so even an SDA man might not work well (if he was ultra conservative).. I thought I'd found one who meshed well with me, but for whatever reason, it didn't work out. And as for my family .. yeah, fewer and fewer of them are of any one traditional faith.
Thanks Sarah,
I was just starting to try to work on some of the assignments due. And they just make me feel like banging my head against the wall for being so utterly pointless. When I started the class I had the excitement of the iPad to power me through .. but at this point I really don't know what the point is of the 6 months of "learning" "new" technologies and having discussion after discussion and then having to have reflective blogs where we say something that hasn't already been said ... (which is nearly impossible to do!) I'm not sure that the piece of paper will really do all that much for me either.
December 16th, 2012 at 08:45 pm 1355690736
You might be right CCF. I thought I could handle it, and that I was doing okay. But maybe it really isn't that good for me.
December 16th, 2012 at 09:29 pm 1355693395
I would be lonely, too, maybe a change of scenery would be good for you. This has been a very emotional time of year for many, and maybe your family issues are just making you feel even more lonely. It might not be as bad as you feel, or you might be ready for a change.
December 16th, 2012 at 09:47 pm 1355694420
December 16th, 2012 at 09:57 pm 1355695075
No, I can't take any time off from this course. It is 6 months straight through - if I stop, then I'd have to start over from the beginning and pay the fee again. So I guess my only option is to power through til the end. Ugh.
Thanks NGG. I appreciate your (and everyone's) support.
December 16th, 2012 at 11:07 pm 1355699244
December 16th, 2012 at 11:23 pm 1355700239
December 16th, 2012 at 11:33 pm 1355700832
Happy Birthday too!
Okay, so here is my advice/pep-talk for you:
Stick out the class. Yeah, it takes up your time and it's kinda sucky, but in a few short months it's going to be over and you'll be glad to have that extra certificate.
Love your mom and love your brother and don't bother talking to either one of them about the other. Try not to saddle yourself with their feelings.. It's going to take a lot of deep breaths and letting it go on your part I think.
On finding a SO - Be open to anyone. I'm with MM here. I've seen people with different religions come together because they have the same *values*. And *values* are a whole lot more about who a person is rather than a religion.
I think you are doing a great job as a librarian. If anything you can chalk this job up to a good learning expierence. I don't think this is your forever job, so spend time each week to see what job openings are out there. Lucky for you you can pick up and go anywhere that sounds good to you because you don't have the worry of uprooting kids or a spouse.
You were brave enough to take the big leap to where you are now so I know you are able to do whatever you want.
December 16th, 2012 at 11:49 pm 1355701747
December 17th, 2012 at 12:03 am 1355702601
December 17th, 2012 at 12:45 am 1355705120
So often we take things personally that we should ignore: this is your life, no one else's and you are doing a great job of living out your beliefs. Few people do that and I admire you tremendously for it.
December 17th, 2012 at 12:52 am 1355705570
December 17th, 2012 at 01:24 am 1355707460
Finish the class. Otherwise, the money is gone without anything to show for it.
Stay out of the family conflict. I've had worse (much worse) in my family, and I just let them all play out. Don't forget to call each one of them over the holidays, and if the subject comes up go ahead and mention that you spoke to the "dark side" of the family. You aren't part of their problems with each other, so don't inject yourself into them, nor should you insulate either side from the other. Disinterested does not mean you must avoid the subject altogether.
Find a similar church closer to you. It may not be SDA, but if you go into any military setting, you're lucky to get something close to your beliefs. I've been to Episcopal, Methodist, and Lutheran services, as well as a few Baptist services. I'm not suggesting you change your beliefs, but G-d understands if you visit one of his rental houses instead of coming to his true house. (Yes, there's a bit of piquant humor in there, if you look for it).
I haven't lost either of my parents, so I don't know what to say along the lines of losing your father, but I lost someone even closer to me, and I reacted very badly to the situation. I can give you a quarter of a million things you shouldn't do, but you seem to be avoiding the retail therapy route. The best I can suggest is that you try to continue your routine as much as possible, and wait until everything plays out. It took me about two years to become functional again, and even then I wasn't up to my old self.
Lastly, just try to remember that for every bottom, there's a top. Just try to imagine how great the next peak is going to be if you're this low now.
December 17th, 2012 at 01:37 am 1355708271
There really aren't any other churches much closer. I think there is a Mormon church in town and a Pentecostal church, other than that, anything else is 30+miles in any direction. This is a two gas station, one restaurant, one mom and pop small grocery store town with no stoplights.
I think you (and the others who've mentioned it) are right. I do just need to stay out of the family dispute. When I'm at my mom's next week I'm not going to say anything more than to leave my brother alone if she want's any chance of repairing the relationship. I just won't say anything to my brother about her at all, unless he asks. (which most likely he won't)
Yeah, retail therapy would totally be dishonoring my dad's memory, plus I can't really afford to go that route.
December 17th, 2012 at 03:53 am 1355716415
What a cry from the heart! Here are a couple of observations; maybe they can be a bit helpful. I think it is so normal to still be mourning your dad; if you are not eating over it, you are probably feeling your feelings and they are powerful. I was over fifty before I knew what that meant. My friend told me to just sit and "feel" the place in your body where it hurts and shortly the hurt will dissipate. Second, thirty seven is a powerful age for a woman. It is just about the time when you stop thinking about what you want to do "when you grow up," and suddenly you are YOU and a grownup. So maybe you need to move and be the you you want to be; or maybe you stay put and ignore people who are hurtful.You get to decide.
The retired teacher in me loved hearing about your classes; your generosity to your students and your conveying to them a love of books, of reading and of learning. You are a fine librarian and don't let anyone tell you anything different.Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. This hard time will pass. Carol
December 17th, 2012 at 04:50 am 1355719811
So this is the year I finally feel like a grown up?
December 17th, 2012 at 06:56 am 1355727370
While three SILs can't stand my thrifty ways and constantly make sarcastic or demeaning comments to anyone who will listen. There's nothing to be gained by explaining, justifying or getting between squabbling family. Honest, it helps to only make positive statements. Laura, do you read the books on positive thinking/positive living available online/iPad/Kindle? It's incredibly empowering to know we're making decision that are in our own best interests.
Would you consider using your library skills in another environment like a hospital,
HQ for major business, government, Public Health, college, university etc? Why not live in a community that supports your SDA values? Would you consider doing something totally different like working overseas? If that's too drastic, another state?
Just some ideas to think about
December 17th, 2012 at 05:45 pm 1355766335
I agree with the others to stick with the course, even though it is not giving you genuine value. You are not in it to learn, but to increase your eventual earning potential. Period. Try to look at is as a game. Silly, but useful in its outcome.
On finding a man ... when I was divorced -- at about the age you are now -- I was completely sure that I had to remarry to find happiness. The truth is, I never found another man, but I did find happiness. And it's not because I have children (actually, my children are in conflict with each other -- very painful for me). I think it comes from acceptance -- from letting go of the template you set up for yourself. I don't know how better to explain it than that. There is a beauty in what you are given that can be hard to see if you are only looking at what you don't have.
That said, I know that your family situation and your work situation are difficult. I don't think you can do anything about the family situation except love your mother and brother and avoid getting caught between them. Your work situation -- well, I have had an experience similar to that, too. My first professional library job was in an African-American Studies library, where I was the little white woman who stuck out like a sore thumb. I understand your feeling of isolation and not being understood. But now that I look back on that experience, I see that I learned so much -- really, it is an experience that very few people who are in the majority ever get to experience, and it makes you so much richer and so much more compassionate. Even when it seems so hard.
I seriously don't know why you think you might be "found out" as not being a good librarian. You have shared your excitement and enthusiasm here, and there is no question in my mind that you are anything but a stellar librarian. Own it, girl!!!!
December 17th, 2012 at 09:42 pm 1355780548
I have to agree with others to stay the course with the course and get that piece of paper. I have to agree with others to love both sides of your family and avoid getting caught - if you have to pick, I'd go with the brother for absolutely cynical reasons - your brother is going to live longer than your mother.
You are NOT a fraud librarian, you are a good librarian. Its not about the size of the library. As far as other staff is concerned, "blankety-blank 'em". It is a small town and with fewer people, smaller the audience and fewer filters that an audience creates with a speaker. It could well be that your champion said something off the cuff without a filter and either regrets it or doesn't understand it and no one in the audience called her on it.
December 17th, 2012 at 11:45 pm 1355787918
Hugs, Laura!
I would try to be open to meeting a compatible man without worrying about what faith he is. You can find a good man of a different religion, or you could find an incompatible man of the same relligion. Finding SDA is not a guarantee of a good marriage, i don't think.
My paternal grandmother, who was Irish Catholic, became Lutheran protestant when she married my German grandfather. My Catholic mother became Protestant when she married my dad.
I'm in a similar situation in which my mother and sister don't get along. My mother constantly raises questions with me about my sister, and I refuse to get dragged into another extended conversation about it, so I simply say, Why don't you ask her? And then it usually ends. Don't allow them to use you as monkey in the middle, or they'll drive you crazy.
I am sorry you are unhappy with that course. I suspect the family relationships aren't helping. Try to hang in there and finish it up or you may regret having left something half done.
December 18th, 2012 at 12:51 am 1355791913
Snafu - yes, I definitely would be willing to use my skills in other places if I could find something in other places like that. I have read some books on positive thinking.
CB - I like what you said about releasing myself from the "template." Sometimes I think I *have* let go of the dream, and then something happens and I realize I really haven't let go of it yet. It gets a little easier each time though ...
Thanks Baselle - you are probably right - the teacher that said the thing probably didn't even realize how it came across
PS - You're definitely right that just because a man is of the same faith/religion it doesn't mean he will be compatible. It just makes it more likely that you'll be on the same page on the really important things (other than finances ..)
I am going to muddle my way through the course as much as I hate it. Maybe I can get something out of it other than just a piece of paper.
I really appreciate all of you saying you think I'm a good librarian. I do enjoy what I'm doing, I'm just not really sure if I'm good AT what I'm doing if that makes any sense.
Thanks again everyone for your kind words and suggestions. It is all much appreciated.
December 18th, 2012 at 06:12 am 1355811129
Are you guilty of giving yourself negative messages? Are you willing to replace those negative signals with positive messages? Can you tell yourself something positive every time a negative bit tries to creep in? Will you accept the challenge?
December 19th, 2012 at 12:29 am 1355876966
December 20th, 2012 at 12:45 am 1355964357
The really cool thing about life is that, if its not working, you can change it. But it sounds like you are trying to evaluate too much at one time. The best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time...and I would start with a list of whats working and whats not. Then, I would prioritize that list and start working on checkmarks.
What you CANT change is other people.- all you can do is change how you interact with them and how you let them impact you. That is much easier said than done, especially with those we love...but try to remember this when communicating (or not) with them. You can only control YOU. When they are ready, they will resolve the issues between them. And that may or may not happen.
You have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I have ever met. (DD3 said so too after we met you) You are a smart, articulate, beautiful, fun lady with one of the WARMEST smiles ever. Hug yourself, be your own best friend (you are worth it).
One step at a time. Make that list and get at it!!
December 20th, 2012 at 04:36 am 1355978168
December 20th, 2012 at 08:52 pm 1356036761
But as for the kids becoming entitled brats--I think all instructors go through phases when you just want to scream at them. They often seem like vampire bats to me at the end of a grueling term--just sucking the life blood out. But then it gets better. I'd hang in there with the class. It's a good thing to do, even if you don't feel like it. That fraud feeling is so common amongst the best instructors--and you are an excellent librarian/instructor. I can tell!
I'm not sure about how to meet men of your faith. Is there a SDA website? My very isolated (and more than a little odd) English brother-in-law just got engaged to a woman he met on a Christian dating site. She is very different from him, but they seem to make it work. Things work so strangely sometimes. We push and flail and fret and agonize,--which sometimes seems like prayer to me.
I think you're so cool--and obviously many other (who DO know you here) do too.
Is there a SDA singles' website? My wacky English brother-in-law is now engaged to a woman he met on a Christian dating website.
December 20th, 2012 at 11:28 pm 1356046094
December 21st, 2012 at 03:41 am 1356061307
December 21st, 2012 at 03:54 am 1356062086
December 23rd, 2012 at 12:44 am 1356223472
I hate confrontations, but the more you do them, the easier they get!
Also do you have any SDA retreat kinds of things? OD met her boyfriend through friends. She had decided to start doing things on her own that she wanted to do, ran into some friends at a wine pairing dinner that she went to alone which is how she met current boyfriend. She had mentally decided to just give up and enjoy her life (she will be 34 soon). So that is my advice and do not get involved in family drama. Ugh the only thing worse is work drama!
Oh and one more thing OD did....she joined Weight Watchers and lost 26 pounds and is much happier just because of that. Don't know if you are overweight or not, and that is presumptious of me to say, but do something positive to improve how you feel about yourself. Need to update your wardrobe? Don't have money, start checking the Goodwill or something. Hate your hair, color and cut it. Never worn makeup, just try it. Give back....volunteer at the animal shelters. Do something that makes you feel good and quit focusing on everyone else. Do what makes you happy or makes you feel good. Quit looking through others eyes at yourself or assuming what they are thinking. Who cares?? I'm not saying don't do a good job, but if you know you are honest and work hard, who really cares what other people think?
December 26th, 2012 at 12:26 am 1356481570
First, power through that class! Blech. I get that it isn't a ton o'fun. But you paid, you can add it to your resume, and you'll be glad to get it done. It will count for salary credits in the future. Get yourself some gummy bears (Google "gummy bear studying"!!
I would FOR CERTAIN look for places where you can meet people who are of the same religion, and I would start looking at public schools. You cannot and should not have to work for less than half of the going rate. Being paid more feels great, and will make you feel better in lots of ways. If you're still feeling insecure about your library skills (you sound awesome to me! Wish we worked together!), find some top-notch, "distinguished school" type schools nearby, and go ask for tours and to talk to the librarians. Keep a notebook of locations/people/ideas. If you start thinking about California at all, get on EdJoin, and keep your eyes open. You can go anywhere. We have moved a lot, and I just keep thinking that now I have friends everywhere (not all of mine are close friends, some are merely acquaintances.) People who have been in the same town forever can't say that.
I've met you! I'd love to work with you. Districts near me pay very, very well. You are sweet and kind! You don't have to settle where you are. I hope you will look around!