Before I left for church this morning I decided to go through the mail I'd picked up yesterday. One of the items was from the Loma Linda Uni Hospital talking about how to handle the holidays after a loved one dying. They've sent a number of things in the past 5 months.
Then after church today our head elder came up to me and asked me, "How'd it go car shopping with your dad last week?" In my head a ton of answers surfaced, but I calmed myself by reminding myself that 1. the fact my dad died in June is most important to me - so people on the periphery are less likely to remember that fact, and 2. I'd told him that my family had vetoed my plan to buy a cheap car, so he may have interpreted "family" as "dad" (which definitely would've been the case if he'd still been alive.
I didn't want to embarrass him because there were other people around, but I also wasn't sure if I should clear it up. In the end the only answer I could come up with was, "No, a co-worker came with me last week to car shop." Then he asked what kind of car I got, etc.
I got out of there as soon as I could.
Then I turned my car stereo on. The first song that came on (the Christian radio station) was "One Last Christmas." I had never heard it before and don't know who the artist was, but the combination of all the above ... and I just lost it.
I've already been dreading my birthday coming up here knowing there'll not be any silly cards with my dad's messy scrawl or his phone call with his signature "singing". Last week when I was car shopping I felt like my dad was with me in a sense - I wore his train watch. I know if he'd been alive that he would've made every effort to have come help me with it. That's just who he was. Monday I went to put on the train watch and realized the battery was dead. Then the whole thing with my brother getting sick this week ...
You think you're dealing with things ok and it's not hurting as badly. Then stuff like this happens. I'm ok really, just feeling sad right now.
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On a different note ...
I took my wallet out of my purse this past week to help me avoid spending temptations. It worked quite well - no spending the whole week (Saturday - Friday.) Today I had to pick up my prescription from Walgreens and planned to pick up a few groceries. When I got to Walgreen's I realized that I'd forgotten to put my wallet back in my purse! I had my debit card from BofA with me that I'd never used, so thought I'd try that. When I went to the counter, I found out that I had somehow or another signed up fro something called "express pay" and they had my CC info on file. I'm not really sure I like that, but it worked out for today.
I'll go to the mom and pop store tonight and pick up bananas and maybe some brownie mix. That'll be enough to make it through the next week and *really* force me to use my food stock.
Next weekend is our Christmas Dinner here. So I probably won't be able to make it to town at all next weekend. I have the feeling my grocery spending is going to be really low this month.
Like a Ton of Bricks :(
December 1st, 2012 at 09:28 pm
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I know holidays and birthdays are hard. I am missing my grandma too.
Just catching up on your posts, so belated congats on the new car!
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The person I was talking to today knew at one time, but I think probably was just trying to talk to me and they weren't thinking. I've done the same thing before - said Happy Mother's Day to someone who didn't have any kids .... realized my gaffe right after I said it.
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December 2nd, 2012 at 07:45 pm 1354477503
I had a similar breakdown in the Mall the first year my mom was gone. We always spent time each year enjoying the ornaments at Macy's- that firs year, I walked in, glanced at the ornaments and totally lost it and had to get to the other end of the mall to get back to my car. This is my 3rd Christmas without her and I still havent been back.
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