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For those of us weight challenged . .

December 12th, 2008 at 07:46 pm

-- This is long. It is a bit scattered. If you don't feel like reading all the way to the end, maybe just watch the videos and tell me what you think of them. Smile

The other day I clicked on a blog I hadn't read in a while - Angry Fat Girlz. In the most recent posting, the author mentioned a youtube video called A Fat Rant by Joy Nash. In her video she declares that is not too proud to claim all 224 lbs of herself and her size 18 and sometimes size 20 body.

In A Fant Rant pt 2 she talks about compulsiveness. It actually is a pretty neat video - if you watch closely, you'll notice that all the characters are played by one person.

Then in A Fat Rant pt 3 she talks about some of the rude things people say and some of the comebacks she wished she could think of right away.

Then in the shortest, yet even more profound video, Totally Awesome she shows the ol' proverb of 'grass is greener on the other side.'

On the other end of the spectrum is this video, A Thin Rant. This is a video of a very thin girl talking about the things people say to her about her weight/appearance.

I identify with Joy. I have no problem admitting that I am fat. I too can relate to having used the excuse of "I'm fat" to let myself not really examine the reason(s) behind some event happening or not happening.

In fact, that same night I watched these videos I had gone to the gym after work and ran 2.1 miles in 30 minutes. Was I happy with myself? Yes, of course, because that was my goal. But what was my self talk as I was leaving? I was telling myself "yep, if you were just 70lbs lighter, maybe that guy would've given you a second glance." 'That guy' was the gym staff member on duty - young and good looking but total lack of personality - in other words, someone 'I' wouldn't look at twice. Yet, because there was another woman there who was in a normal weight range and he was spending a huge amount of time with her while virtually ignoring me - I of course took that as a prime excuse to beat myself up. WHATEVER LAURA!

I'm going to be 33 here in a few short days. I'm not getting any younger. There is no room for excuse making or beating myself up.

So what if other people who don't know me look at me and *assume* that I've never seen the inside of a gym? That's their problem - it's not my truth.

My truth is that I weighed in this morning at 239 lbs. The dress I bought for the Christmas party is a *closely* fitting in the waist size 18. Those are just numbers - they aren't who I am.

My truth is that I workout at least 4 days a week, sometimes twice in a day. As long as I don't let the Beat Laura Up Monster loose -whereby junk food finds its way into my home and into my mouth - I usually eat sensible and well balanced meals.

My truth is that I *know* the HOW's of healthy living and eating - I just don't always do the Follow Through.

*Really. Ask pretty much *any* overweight+ person out there about the rules of good nutrition or healthy eating or healthy ways to lose weight - I betcha (heh heh!) that they could probably quote article after article and book after book, and or mention nutrition class after nutrition class that they've taken. Healthy living/eating isn't just a matter of knowledge - it's a matter of Action.

My truth is that I may NEVER be in the so called 'Normal' weight category and I'm okay with that.

My truth is that I am a child of God, and God loves his children no matter what shape, size or color they are. So if God loves me, then I should love myself too, no matter what shape or size I am!

--- You may be wondering what brought all this on. It really is probably a combination of watching Joy Nash's videos, the gym incident and my approaching birthday.

For some people the 0 birthday years or the 5's are big deals and scary. For me though, for some reason, 33 is a number that is causing me to pause for much reflection.

I'm looking at where I am in life right now, and remembering where I thought I'd be by this point. I'm looking at the options I have going forward from here, and am not sure that I really like any of them, but have no idea how to make other options possible. I'm staring into the reality that I probably will never have a flesh and blood child of my own.

I'm beginning to see how unrealistic my dream of owning a house of my own really is. Even if I somehow manage to save the 18k + for a downpayment, on my income I still don't think I'd be able to really afford all that home ownership involves.

I am finding that the older I get, the less friends I have. Mainly because they are married and have kids, so have very little time to maintain a friendship, or the ones who aren't married are caught up in a relationship and life.

I am finding that striking a balance between making the extra income with my two side jobs and doing things that get me out and about (generally costing money) is very difficult.

In fact, I canceled my membership with the outdoor club - mainly because I just couldn't stomach paying the $25/mo fee, then having to pay for whatever events I attended on top of it. But then I also haven't been attending any of the meetups for the Vege group or the Volunteer group - I used the cost of gas as an excuse at first, but obviously that is pretty lame right now. So then my excuse is that if I'm going to make money from my side jobs, I can't be going out all the time. Or my excuse is that I'm embarrassed to go back to either of the groups after such a long absence.

So really, the point of all this is mostly me doing some pre-thinking and rambling and processing before coming up with what I think I'll call my Year 33 goals and plans.

11 Responses to “For those of us weight challenged . . ”

  1. lizajane Says:

    I didn't watch the videos, but did read your blog all the way thru. A lot of us do some reflecting as birthdays approach regarding where we are in life compared to where we thought we'd be at this age, whatever age that is. I think you're still too young to completely rule out children or owning your own house, since you never know what changes might be just around the corner. And it's sometimes when you least expect it...

  2. baselle Says:

    185 to 189 here, and I eat as healthily as I can in this society.

    So many places to comment. Smile First off, the videos and the SA post about envy say the same thing - one's on money one's on weight.

    Second off, us women worrying about our fat means we are concentrating on ourselves rather than our world. We don't have the energy or the drive to tackle social problems, problems w/environment. What's holding us back is not the glass ceiling, its the glass mirror.

  3. debtfreeme Says:

    Laura,

    I feel every word you wrote. It felt at times as if you were reading my mind and putting the word to paper that i just can't yet, or won't yet. So much of what you wrote just resonated with me. Thank you.

    If you were living near me i think we would be good friends, and your blog is one i never miss. Thanks for what you wrote and for being here.

    K-

  4. Koppur Says:

    Sunshine, your post brought tears to me. It is almost the exact same thoughts and fears I have daily. I however, don't have the courage to say them out loud. Thank you for being the brave one.

    Please remember you are a smart, funny, kind person, and anyone in your life should feel lucky to know you. Anytime you need to talk, feel free to email me. koppurautumnleaf@verizon.net
    *hugs*

  5. Ima saver Says:

    "just hugs"

  6. gamecock43 Says:

    I thought you are a runner?? Dont you run marathons? Then arent you an athlete? How can you be fat? Athletes come in all sizes, but big muscles make people big, especially women. My hubby is an athlete and quite tubby- but he can out lift any of the other guys, because he needs that weight to perform. your right, We all do have different bodies to do different things, and your body seems to get you where you want to go to do what you want.

  7. frugaltexan75 Says:

    Lizajane,
    Never know what's going to be coming around the corner . . . -- I hear what you're saying, and it's something I've tried to hold onto throughout life -especially in my lower moments. Sometimes though when I see how many failed relationships I've had, begun with such hope and joy . . . I wonder if the future really holds anything different for me.

    I'm just about 33 now. If I were somehow to meet someone in the next few months, and everything went roses and holly, and we get married, then I'm 34. I've always thought it best to give marriage at least a year before starting a family, so that would put me at least at 35, having a kid maybe when I'm 36. That all is assuming that everything works just swimmingly. Possible yes, realistic?? Who knows.

    basselle,
    Wow. That sentence -What's holding us back is not the glass ceiling, its the glass mirror -- struck me. I've never been someone who gives a flying fig about a career or the so called career ladder - so I guess I've not really cared much about the 'glass ceiling'. But that second part, about what really is holding us back is the glass mirror. Yes, I can def. see that as being true. A mirror holds so much power in our lives if we let it.

    I also see what you're saying about how women worrying about our weight/appearance takes away the energy that could be directed in so many other more productive ways. I mean if you really think about, what if 1/2 of the money now spent on the Diet Industry by women (and men) was put towards stamping out hunger? How much would that revolutionize the world!

    debtfreeme,
    Thank you for your comments. If you were living near me, I'd be happy to have you as a friend as well.

    Koppur,
    Thank you for your comments. I hardly feel brave though - I think YOU are so brave dealing with your MS and living life everyday.

    Ima,
    Thank you.

    Gamecock,
    Thank you for saying I'm an athlete. Smile I wish I could say my size is due to large muscles. But no, really it mostly is due to excess fat. I have been running 5k's this past year - although my speed is categorized more as somewhere between a speed walker and a jog. Smile To run an actual marathon (26 miles I think) I really would need to get much more fit. 3.1 miles (a 5k) beats my rear end, so to endure another 23 miles . . . I am working towards that though. Smile

  8. beautissamiss Says:

    I completely feel ya'. Its amazing that so often we treat ourselves like we are the only ones going through weight loss/gain, unobtainable goals, and losing friends and its nice to read that there are other people out there going through the same stuff. You are totally wicked cool and I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do next!

  9. frugaltexan75 Says:

    Thank you beautissamiss. I love that saying, wicked cool. Big Grin

  10. Apprentice Fun-Frugalist Says:

    The way you can express your vulnerabilities/fears is inspiring... you have a talent for giving air to the internal dialogues we all have with ourselves.

    Thanks for sharing.

  11. frugaltexan75 Says:

    Apprentice Fun-Frugalist,

    Wow, thank you for your comment.

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