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Post will self destruct in 24 hours

April 28th, 2013 at 01:37 am

Thanks everyone for you comments and insights. They have given me much food for thought.

14 Responses to “Post will self destruct in 24 hours”

  1. Looking Forward Says:
    1367112085

    ((HUGS))
    You are the sweetest person! Anyone who has you in their life is so lucky - truly.

    Okay, first I'll address the old beau.. Do you really like him or do you just like the idea of him? If it hurts you more to keep in touch, wanting there to be a connection, a relationship, then I would cut it off. If you flat out asked him to come to you would he? Would he drop everything to be with you? It might be worthwhile to be bold and lay it out "be with me or not, but I've got to stop this "gray zone" relationship." As far as getting past whatever happened/the hurt etc. - that is how a long term relationship grows. You work as a couple to move past hurt or you don't be a couple anymore.

    As far as being a mother.. ((hugs)) I don't know where your path is going to end up. I do know that there are children all over the world every day that need/want a mom. (You would be an awesome mom I am sure regardless of where the child came from.) And that option is an option regardless of relationship status or biological..um.. ability. Smile

  2. PatientSaver Says:
    1367112192

    Well, it does seem like there's an awful lot of prior history there, not all of it great....but this person has been there for you, too. So why not resolve to start off with a clean slate. Instead of endless rounds of emails, why don't you propose the two of you get together for an actual...can I say date?

    Avoid rehashing the past and just see if you can enjoy yourself when you're with this person, if you feel good about yourself when you're around him. Don't get all tripped up by the past, and don't look too far ahead to the future, either.

  3. FrugalTexan75 Says:
    1367112612

    LF - That I think is my biggest question ... is it him I like, or the idea of him? I'm really not sure what the answer is to that question. In the past (prior to my stupid move in 2005), I know he would have dropped anything and came if I asked ... now, I really don't know. Just laying it out on the line ... scary thought, but maybe that is where I need to go. Will have to think about that.

    PS - He lives in a state about 16 hours away, so going on a date would be a major production. If I could think of a reason to be in his area anyway, maybe ...

  4. Thrifty Ray Says:
    1367115756

    Laura- You are indeed, one of the sweetest people I have ever met. And you are insightful, smart and compassionate. All makings of a great mom- God put that desire in your heart for a reason-explore all options that you feel comfortable with...as LF said, there are many children in the world that would benefit from the nurturing you could provide.

    As for Mr 16 hours away..perhaps there is somewhere in the middle you could meet to see if the spark is still there??

    Hugs friend..You are an amazing young lady.

  5. FrugalTexan75 Says:
    1367116526

    Thank you Ray. I have thought about adoption - if I could even be considered as a viable candidate, I would have to get a different job paying a lot more (so I could afford daycare!) I'd also want a different job because, well, I wouldn't want to send a child of mine to a Catholic school - not because it's a bad school, I just wouldn't want them to be confused - hear one religious viewpoint at school all week,and then another at home and church.

    Somewhere in between ... hmm... I'd have to get a map out and figure where that might be, but not a bad idea. That way too it would be an equal effort.

  6. MonkeyMama Says:
    1367121626

    It's a rough road, but don't forget adopting less desireable children. Foster adopt in particular comes to mind, but it is definitely a tough road. I know several people who have gone this route, some of them single. Actually, they did all end up with infants that they were able to adopt. Foster-adoption pays you handsomely, which is the opposite of what you think of when adopting a white infant and the costs associated with that extreme. Of course, keep in mind Ray's story about her grandkid Z. So it's tough. Drug issues also seem to be a common theme - the effects can really run the gammit. (I don't know anyone that has adopted a child through foster system or unusual means where the child was not abused or born dependent on drugs. WE have a relative who adopted an abused neighbor. Kind of random, but it's just how it turned out).

    I think sometimes though that it is what it is. You can choose that hard road up front. None of us are exempt from a "hard road" just because we have biological children and choose our mates. Marriages fall apart and any child can have medical challenges.

    Anyway, when I Read your post, adoption just leapt into my mind.

    On the flip side, read all the articles about how many unhappy parents there are in this world. Frankly, I often feel like we are the only *happy* parents around. {& we aren't done raising kids yet - will see what the future holds for us}. I also think it is okay to step back and say that your calling is to be very involved with children. To work with children. Maybe motherhood is not meant to be, but only you can really answer that for yourself. Maybe motherhood is overly idealized in your mind.

    {{HUGS}}

  7. FrugalTexan75 Says:
    1367123595

    Thanks MM for your thoughts. Ray's Z story definitely does make me leary of the foster adoption route, and the idea of adopting a kid from another country .. well, I've seen situations where the kids were great, and ones where they weren't so great. I've also seen the effects of drug addiction in children (via moms) ... and it definitely isn't for the weak. (all kids I've either had as a classroom teacher, or the last two years) The other thing about adoption though is it seems like it is almost as an expensive option as IVF. So if I could get a similar job making the supposed median salary for a school librarian (more than 2x what I make here), then maybe in a couple years I'd be in a financial position to attempt it.

    I do wonder if I could really change my lifestyle enough to *be* a mom ... At 37 I'm pretty set in my habits, and I know having a kid would completely upend most, if not all, of those habits. I sometimes wonder the same thing about if I could really do a *real* relationship .. for the same reasons. Both are things I really *want*, but like you were saying, I may be looking at it from a slightly rosy glasses perspective.

  8. ceejay74 Says:
    1367124241

    ((hugs)) indeed. I don't have anything to offer as incisive as all of the above, but wanted to give you a cyberhug anyway. My first instinct is, FT is WAY too good for some guy who strings her along emotionally and doesn't just swoop her up and be done with it. But, I do know in real life, some really imperfect relationships can become the lifelong ones. And I don't know the full story, nor the depth (or lack thereof) of either of your feelings.

    I do know a case or two of someone being seemingly permanently hung up on an old flame, but turns out it was cured instantly when they met someone who was a much more viable alternative, so it was kind of a placeholder emotion. But I also know a friend's parents who divorce when he was a kid, but then got back together a decade or two later to be happily remarried. So that kind of thing is really hard to predict or explain, especially when you're not closely involved.

    But I agree with everyone that you are awesome. I admire how you strive to balance emotion, morals, faith and logic in everything you ponder. It's very healthy and admirable. Smile

  9. MonkeyMama Says:
    1367156950

    @FT - yes, but I don't know anyone who spent a lot of money on adoption. All the routes I mentioned would create an income stream or would be very inexpensive. I just want to be clear that it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. I think you should seriously look into your options so you know what your options are. Maybe not right now, but at some point. You may be pleasantly surprised, or it might be easier to rule out and move on.



  10. ohsuzannah Says:
    1367158388

    I adopted twice, in my forties (newly married), and we have two beautiful healthy sons. If you'd like any info or just a sympathetic ear, please email me at ohsuzannah@wi.rr.com.

    Suzanne

  11. FrugalTexan75 Says:
    1367159295

    Thank you Ceejay. Sometimes I think "guys who sweep women off their feet" are only in fairy tales ...

    MM - I hope I don't sound like I'm naysaying everything people are suggesting. I really am listening. For whatever reason I've always had the idea in my head that adoption was a very expensive process, but it sounds like maybe I need to look more into it.

    Ohsuzannah - Thanks, I might take you up on that.

    *Need to meet my coworker for our daily walk, and then I'm off to my babysitting job. Thanks again everyone for your insights and comments. They all are very much appreciated.

  12. Petunia 100 Says:
    1367170504

    I like the term CeeJay used, "placeholder emotion". That is exactly what first came to my mind. As long as this man is holding that place in your heart, your heart is not open to new possibilities. Does this man belong in your heart? Only you can answer that. Sometimes we can hang on to people simply because it is easier than letting go.

    I am 46. So far, my life has not gone the way I expected it would. I have learned to adapt and take my joy where I find it. It can be very difficult to let go of our ideals.

    This is not to say a husband and biological children are not in your future. I do think, though, as long as you are in an isolated area, it is less likely.

    Are there any dating sites aimed exclusively at SDA members? Or perhaps just social networking sites? If not, perhaps it is time to revisit the possibility of relocating.

    {{{hugs}}}

  13. snafu Says:
    1367186672

    {{{HUGS}}} Laura you are such a kind, thoughtful, caring person in a tough, cynical, uncaring world. I wish I knew the words that would be useful to convince you to STOP giving yourself negative messages. I've zero knowledge/understanding of SDA but conclude that it influences your day-to-day life decisions. If you're off in summer can you seek professional help either directly or via readings/CDs to create a stronger self image?

    Life has taught me that in marriage or long term, close relationships with family and friends, we all hear and say stupid, hurtful words from time to time and wish we could press'delete.' The thing is we can over ride by forgiving the incoming negative and acts of kindness should we be wrong whether with intent or not.

    Old BF: Only you can decide to BLOCK incoming e-mail or treat the guy as a long term friend or move the relationship to another level. Have you concluded that there is no one to develop a personal relationship in your current employment/community? What type of work are you willing to seek and where are you willing to move to find the type of relationship you want? While it's an extreme... Is there still an unbalanced men to women ratio in Alaska for example?

    just some unedited thoughts...

  14. LuckyRobin Says:
    1367246093

    I missed something big, didn't I?

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