It's not been a very merry time of it here in tx ville this week. I really wish I hadn't come. From some of the things my mom was saying prior to the wedding, it sure didn't sound like it was what she really wanted. ( the wedding) but its done and over now.
The best part of the wedding was getting to see some of my good friends I hadn't seen in a long time. The trying not to be a negative nelly when everyone was gushing about the married couple was not so fun.
So here's where I need advice. Sunday am before heading to the salon to have our hair done for the wedding, I came out of the shower to my area and found my mom going through my purse. Her excuse was that she was putting a fiber bar in it since we werent going to eat again until the reception. No fiber bar was put in it. This royally ticked me off and right then I was really considering getting a taxi and heading to a friends home til Thursday. But I sucked it up and stayed.
Today we went out to see a movie. I bought two groupon tickets for it. Only one voucher downloaded at the theater, so she had to pay for a ticket at two dollars more. I told her we could print out the second one when we got home and she could use it another time. She didn't seem to happy about it, but whatever.
After the movie we want to Costco. There were a couple books I wanted from there which I'd discovered yesterday at the family Christmas gathering. They both were there. I mentioned to her how dad had bought Costco gift cards for me so that I could use them the few times a year I get to Costco. So she offered to buy one for me as repayment for the dress I bought for her wedding. I agreed to it. The books and card came out to $15 more than what she was going to give me for the dress. I had $13 in my purse. So I asked her if the $13 plus what I'd paid for gas on Monday be considered a fair trade. She told me she hadn't known I'd put gas in the car. I told her I hadn't said anything about it since I'd been driving it all over everywhere. Then she told me that no, she didn't consider it a fair trade. That she just couldn't understand why I hadn't brought a gift for anyone or even a card. But that I was buying books for the library.
I didn't want to get into it, so I didn't say another word.
The thing is, I TOLD her I did not expect ANYTHING for gifts because I did not plan on doing gifts myself. She asked me to tell her what I'd like anyway - so I did.
I realize my first mistake was going to Costco here with her to get the books - I should have just waited til tomorrow when I'm back in ABQ.
I am SO tempted to pack up tonight, get a cab and stay at a hotel tonight and then have a super shuttle to the airport. Just leave everything here that they gave me and be DONE. She told me yesterday that she'd told new stepdad that if brother didn't shape up his act that he should be cut off from any money. New stepdad vetoed that. I told her that if she wants ANY iota of a chance with brother again, she better never mention that to him. All it would do is solidify in his mind that he made the right decision.
I still wonder if I should call my friend to come get me and take me to the airport in the am. I know she'd be happy to do it, but it would be WAY out of her way to come here. Plus it would really be me saying a final goodbye. If I'd driven here I probably would have left on Monday.
Am I just overblowing things? Am I acting like a selfish brat by buying books for the library, but not gifts or cards for mom or new stepdad? There's no way I can tell my brother any of this, because he would just say he told me so.
Irregardless, I think this was my last visit to TX unless I come to solely visit friends.
Am I way off base?
December 27th, 2012 at 01:06 am
December 27th, 2012 at 02:00 am 1356573651
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December 27th, 2012 at 02:14 am 1356574470
I do agree with sticking it out though. Better to make measured choices from a calm place, than a place of desperation to escape. Hugs to you right now.
December 27th, 2012 at 02:15 am 1356574533
I've already put all the stuff they gave me in a bag to leave here when I go. It really is too late to go to a hotel now, but I am thinking of getting a super shuttle to pick me up so I don't have to ride with either of them in the morning.
December 27th, 2012 at 02:20 am 1356574846
Guess what she said to me as we were about to head over to the family Christmas dinner/ gift exchange? She told me that she hoped I wouldn't be disappointed . I was like, what, am I getting a piece of coal? She essentially told me that it doesn't feel like a good Christmas unless everyone is getting lots of gifts. That is her mentality. I'd be happy with just doing a dinner and maybe card games or something afterwards. I don't need gifts to make me feel good.
December 27th, 2012 at 02:23 am 1356575019
December 27th, 2012 at 02:26 am 1356575201
I would probably do what you're doing... leave the gifts and slip out somewhat quietly.
Your mom does some pretty self-centered things that remind me of my mom. Forgive me if I'm assuming too much. But you should not have to maintain ANY kind of relationship that causes you this much pain and grief! I completely understand.
Take care of YOU!
December 27th, 2012 at 03:39 am 1356579540
December 27th, 2012 at 03:49 am 1356580192
As to this situation with your mother, I can relate...my trouble is not with my mother but with my sister. I can just picture her acting as selfish and self-important as your mother has been. But, to tell you the truth, every time I've fought back, I've been the one who looks and sounds bad to the rest of the family. They all know how she is and expect me to "suck it up" and be the grown-up. So, based on my many, many past experiences, I would recommend that you take the gifts with you and then resolve to not get into the same situation again. Even if it means you need to stay away.
BTW, there is no doubt that she is wrong-from going through your purse. to the comments about gifts, to the criticism about buying the books for your school library. Don't doubt yourself and give yourself permission to not play her game any more.
December 27th, 2012 at 04:21 am 1356582116
I guess I just want to say that it's possible that cutting off contact now is the right choice to protect yourself and even if you think that it is forever, it is always possible that one day things will change, that your Mom will change, but it will involve a lot of work on her part. I thought there was no possible way things between me and the Ice Queen would ever be fixed, but it happened.
In the meanwhile, focus on your relationship with your brother. He is the family you have left, the family that will be there for you. The strength of that bond can help you face a possible future without your mom in it.
December 27th, 2012 at 04:23 am 1356582235
It is more sticky than that/not quite as simple when it is family. But personally, I just have the lowest tolerance for toxic people. I was most disturbed as to why she would be going through your things. ??? That was the point where I would have been *done.*
There are a few extreme toxic people in my family. No good has ever come from trying to play nice and appease them. I personally disagree with the advice to just make peace. I think more the opposite - life is too short to deal with these types. I think playing nice for a couple of days is fair enough, and probably worthwhile since you are already there. Is only a couple of days. But, as to the rest of your life? Meh.
((HUGS))
December 27th, 2012 at 05:43 am 1356587030
Again, thank you all. I just was so upset and didn't know who to bounce my thoughts off of that wouldn't already have a preconceived idea.
December 27th, 2012 at 03:53 pm 1356623625
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December 28th, 2012 at 12:26 am 1356654376
On a somewhat unrelated note, have you ever thought about asking for a Paperback Swap contribution for your school? I participate in PBS and received a request for contribution for schools (either $ or PBS credits). They have specific schools picked out, apparently. I immediately thought of you.
December 30th, 2012 at 02:40 pm 1356878403