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ugh - long ranty - not really financial

July 16th, 2008 at 05:00 am

I'll start with two positives.

1. My carpooler gave me $12 yesterday rather than the normal $10. So that makes my Kenny G fund up to $37.

2. Work has actually kept me fairly busy lately.

-----

I have a good life. I have family who love and support me. I have friends. I have a job, roof over my head, food to eat, etc. It should be enough, right?

But the thing is, I don't have anyone to really talk to. I mean *really* talk to. Talking to my parents - how much can you really say to them anyway? Talking to my friends - esp. when I hardly get to see them or talk to them - its hard to really *talk* or keep up a real relationship. It especially doesn't help when nothing seems to change.

Most of the time I can fight these feelings off by reminding myself how much better I have it than 90% or more of the world. But sometimes I can't. More often than not lately, I can't.

I wonder what is the point? It's not like doing a fantastic job at my work is going to get me a raise anytime in the next 10 years - the most it will do is help me keep my job.

It's not like all my consistent exercise of the past couple years has done much for me at all. A person meeting me for the first time is most likely NOT going to think that I look like someone who ever has seen the inside of a gym, let alone spends 5 days a week at one!

It's not like putting myself out there on singles websites or joining singles dating services (in the past) have gotten me anywhere.

Recently, I've been hearing from a good number of friends I've had through the years via facebook. The one thing that has very consistently run through all of our catching up is the fact that 99% of them are married, and or have children.

Tonight, I for some odd reason decided to check in at this one singles site I used to have a profile on, and saw that a recent success story was of this strange looking guy who'd been a member of the site since before I'd joined it - over 9 years ago!

Here I am, supposedly in what should be the prime time of my life - idling. Having achieved only the goal of being a teacher (for a short while), but none of my other dearly cherished dreams.

I really don't see how this is going to change. I keep grasping at straws, keep searching diligently for glimmers -- anything to give me some small shred of hope. Meanwhile, I have this strong feeling that all my efforts are futile.

I'd like to have someone who I could just say - Hey, you want to come over and watch this movie I borrowed from the library? Or, hey - you want to go check out the new special exhibit they have at the museum on Tuesday (free night)? Or how about - hey, you want to have a card game/board game whatever game night? Or, just even someone who would actually be *interested* in hearing my oddball thoughts about things, or hearing about what happened at work. Or someone who'd be interested in going for a bike ride, or a run in the park, or just even laying out on a blanket in a park enjoying nature? It would be really great to have someone who doesn't think I'm odd because of what I *do* and *don't* eat or drink.

Ok, to be REALLY honest -- I miss touch. I grew up in a household of touch-oriented people. In the grown-up adult world of work and even friends - people just don't touch each other. It's understandable, with the litigious society we are, but it's also really sad.

Like I said, I *do* have friends. But, with the exception of N and T, they are only within the reach of a phone call -- and we've really not kept in touch very well. T is married and has two young kids plus lives about a 30 minute drive from me. N is almost divorced w/two kids - the only topic w/her is her soon to be ex - she's really not someone I'd have chosen to be friends with (we met at a lifestyles program that an exbf had encouraged me to go to) - she's actually the ex-sil to the ex-bf of mine's ex wife. (Say all that in one breath!)

I think I need to accept that two of my dearest dreams - dreams that defined who I thought I would be - are never going to be. I need to figure out new dreams. I need to figure out just how a person can be single, happy and feel like a contributing member to society.

The weird thing is that right now I'm actually feeling okay about work. It's usually when I've had a long spell of hardly anything to keep myself occupied with at work that I get these feelings of how pointless and aimless my life is.

This last week or so, almost every night I have completely blown my healthy eating plan out the window. I've gained back at least 7 of the 12 lbs I'd lost. I stopped at a store this afternoon, in the pouring rain, just to get a soda and some ice cream.

Something's got to change. I just wish I knew how or what.

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If you actually managed to make it all the way to the end of this . . . Thanks, I appreciate your "listening."

14 Responses to “ugh - long ranty - not really financial”

  1. gamecock43 Says:
    1216181978

    I emphasize with your uncertainty, loneliness and feelings of 'not keeping up." It seems that "keeping up with the jones" is not confined to just financial stuff.
    1. half the facebook people who are married will be divorced soon. I am 28 and 3 peoplwe from my high school class are divorced, that I know of.
    2. The next date you go on could be your next long term or forever boyfriend and you will never get this 'you' time back again.
    3. maybe you do need to change your dreams. you mature. If I still carried my dream of marrying one of the Cory's from the Goonies movie- well, that would be somewhat sad. You get older and realize there are problems with dreams you had years ago.
    I know your frusterated. This will pass. I promise. I get this way a few times a year to. You are one realizing the cheerleader got wicked fat away from being back on top of the world.

  2. JanH Says:
    1216183822

    Oh, I can feel the pain of wondering what happened to your dreams. I finally found the right doctors and the right medicines and woke up to find out that a lot of my dreams were gone. I'd missed most of my kids' childhood. And, at that point, my Hubby and I weren't all that close. I also had the wonderful thing of seeing my dreams lived out in my brother's life. That hurt,too. I got angry about it all for awhile. A couple of years later, I got a wonderful gift of rebuilding my life with my kids. One at a time. We still have problems with DD's life for awhile. I finally had to learn to let go of my old dreams. It still hurts. When I watch my son and wife with their daughter and loving every minute, it hurts. I can't remember feeling good for very long. I couldn't spend time reading or playing much with my kids. I couldn't be the kind of parent I wanted to be. And, I don't have the memories others have. I do try to remember some of the good stuff now. It still hurts. I am slowly beginning to build new dreams. And, I am slowing beginning to accept who and what I am and that I have good things in my life. I have changed my mindset a little. I feel your pain in feeling a little alone. That has happened to me several times. Friends move away or are committed elsewhere. Family too far away except by phone. They say to get involved with volunteering. I had a hard time getting started. I haven't done that yet. I am more oontent than before. It helps that I finally found out that I am ADD. The medicine for that has changed my mindset a lot. ADD isn't bouncing off the ceiling. It is not being able to concentrate and absorb what is right in front of you. Now, I enjoy the small things. I enjoy myself and my victories more. My hope for you is that soon you'll find a connection to something or someone special that will make your heart sing. Keep venting. We are listening.

  3. boomeyers Says:
    1216184141

    Wow Laura! I am sorry you are feeling so down. Go ahead and drown a FEW of those sorrows in ice cream and then pick yourself up and keep working out!
    I know this may sound crazy, but maybe you need to take up a hobby. Since the workplace is'nt bringing forth any friends. What about church? I enjoy scrapbooking and meet people that way, you could try a cooking class or karate! Smile And I agree with Gamey! You have matured and you may need to sit down and rethink those dreams. Pick a few new ones, and make a PLAN of how you will make them come true. You have already done a great job of that by being debt free and saving to buy a house!! One dream worth moving toward!
    As for "Mr. Someone Special", you just have'nt met him yet. I am big on prayer. Make this your focus prayer, to meet someone special.
    And of course, remember, WE are your friends! I will have to try to catch up with you on Facebook sometime! Smile

  4. debtfreeme Says:
    1216185445

    Laura,

    You have just written everything I wish I could have written these past few months. Everything. Thanks for putting into words something I could not and things I have been struggling with for a while. I know things will change, it is just the moving through it process that is hard.

    Put it out to the universe what you are looking for. I think it might surprise you when you write exactly what you want.

    With highest regards,
    K

  5. frugaltexan75 Says:
    1216208133

    Thanks everyone for your responses. I wasn't really sure about hitting the "publish" button last night.

    I have to get ready for work right now, but will respond to everyone as soon as I have a chance.

  6. merch Says:
    1216210699

    Wow, it sounds like you are feeling quite isolated. I wold problem persue some interests. Find a fod you like and join a club that does that. I won't work on joining a dating site. I think you need to take care of you first. get yourself in a better place.

    You could also volunteer, if you enjoy that. Find a cause you like.

    As morton salt would say, "when it rains, it pours."

    Would you be happier in CA?

  7. Broken Arrow Says:
    1216211725

    Hey there. I'm pretty much in the same boat too.

    Having been divorced, perhaps I am fortunate in that I don't feel as bad about it because I know how much worse things can get. So, instead, I see it in as "taking a break" from life.

    Still, it is very difficult sometimes.

  8. justMe Says:
    1216213440

    Yup I am in the same boat. Divorced, on hold with current bf. This is really not the picture I saw myself in. I used to be so ambitious. Now everything seems out of reach. I just feel like I am on a break from everything right now. Hang in there.

  9. Ima saver Says:
    1216213688

    Keep your chin up!! I did not meet my dh until I was 32 and my life changed so much.

  10. monkeymama Says:
    1216216463

    I have to agree with the hobbies and everything. To be "lucky" in money one must go out and break their routine, and keep their ear to the ground. I guess it is much the same socially.

    So I have to ask, how much do you really get out there and meet new people? If not, of course you are going to be lonely. (& I say that as someone who has sort of been there. I am rather introverted and struggle with this in my own life - the friendship side. Though I am married. So I know much easier said than done. BUT it is true).

    Likewise, I agree with your statement: "I think I need to accept that two of my dearest dreams - dreams that defined who I thought I would be - are never going to be." I think you have to realize that being married does not define you. If you think it does, well you aren't ready to be married.

    I noticed with my own friends, most of them wanted to be married and have kids and they were always searching a little too hard, (instead of just slowing down and going with the flow a little more). Of course I met my spouse at 18. BUT I had no interest in settling down, marrying or having kids. I didn't even want a serious relationship at the time. & then it all landed on my lap when I wasn't looking. I do really notice people who dream about a certain thing from childhood - like marriage/kids - seemed to have problems finding it. Just way too idealistic on that topic. So, sure, get out there more. But I think lower your expectations a bit. I think it's good to be happy to know you may be single forever. Once you get comfortable with that I think you will become more attractive, in a sense. Though I am sure it is a hard road to get there.

    Good Luck.

    & yeah, I agree with the ice cream thing too.

    & oh yeah, my sister is 25 and has been married twice. Ugh! Nothing to be jealous of there. Wink

  11. compulsive debtor Says:
    1216223506

    Hey Laura. Maybe you do need to revise your dreams, or maybe just a simple change of scenery. Instead of the gym, try a team sport or volunteer to help with a race. Hang in there.

  12. frugaltexan75 Says:
    1216232268

    Wow. Thank you everyone for your responses.

    Thank you for your understanding of what I was saying.

    I realize that getting married, having kids, etc., isn’t a surefire way to be happy or
    lonely no more. That even if you are married or in a relationship, things can still
    be tough. Knowing that is a large part of why I’m still single. I came close to
    getting married once, but realized that the relationship wasn’t going to work out
    long term. I also realize that being married or having children doesn’t define who you are as a person. For me though, being a mom, doing all the mom things, doing homeschool, etc., is the ultimate dream. I never wanted a “career”, being a teacher was never meant to be a long-term thing.

    So now, I’m no longer teaching, and obviously not a mom. I’ve spent most of the last three years trying to figure out what to replace those ideas with, with little luck.

    Getting a different job? I don’t know . . . I guess I just felt so lucky even finding the job I have now, after being essentially out of work for nearly 9 months.

    Going out to CA? That is still a possibility. But like a few of you mentioned, I think until I’ve worked on myself, gotten myself to a better place, moving to CA probably wouldn’ t really change things that much.

    Hobbies? Getting out there? Volunteering? I hate to say this, but I feel as though I have tried that. I’ve attended some of the meetups in my area – the Vegetarian group in particular. It was ok, but it was $13 for lunch out every time I went – I eventually stopped going mainly because I felt in order to get to know anyone I’d really need to attend more often $$$. – I go to a church, not as often as I should though. But the thing is at that church, people remember me as a teacher. I have tried to stay after and talk with people; it just doesn’t seem to go anywhere. As far as volunteering – I applied at the library, even interviewed, never heard back from them. I helped out this past Christmas Eve at a soup kitchen event; let them know I wanted to do more. Never heard back from them.

    This Saturday I am going to be doing my first 5k race. I think depending on how that goes, etc., maybe I could look into joining the local running club. If I remember right it’s only $20/yr for membership. Then, in August I should be starting my 2nd job, so will have a little bit more money coming in. I guess I could allocate some of the money towards eating out 2x a month with the Vege meetup group. I think I also need to make more of an effort to go to church more regularly. Maybe I could check at some local pet shelters to see if they need any volunteers.

    I just wish I could find people in my area interested in doing things that don’t cost money. There are a couple frugal meetup groups in my area, but from what I’ve seen, they are not active.

  13. Broken Arrow Says:
    1216260333

    I hope my first response didn't seem like I was trivializing your feelings. Like I said, I'm in the same boat. I really can sympathize. Take care.

  14. frugaltexan75 Says:
    1216261964

    BA,

    No, not at all. I appreciated your comment, as well as the others. I just had only so much time to respond, so wasn't able to do it individually.

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